Tuesday, December 19, 2006

in defense of augusten: perception is reality


this month's vanity fair ran with the article ruthless with scissors which detailed hours of interviews with author augusten burroughs "adopted" family, the turcottes. in the wake of james frey's highly publicized memoir debacle, the characters in burroughs' book running with scissors sued the author and his publishing company for defamation and emotional turmoil. their accusations include weeks of emotional stress, anxiety, severe nausea, hospitalization, among other forms of emotional distress. they say he lied, stretched the truth, exaggerated dates, etc. they feel as though their family was defamed, that the portrait painted was grotesque and untrue.

i suppose they can point all the fingers they want at augusten and his publishing company until they get the restitution (read: cash) that they so desperately seek. even some of my friends, who happen to be AVID burroughs fans, have called him a fraud and a liar.

sure, he may have stretched the truth a little, changed some dates, combined characters, added anecdotes (he puts a disclaimer in every novel), but the sheer public perception of this family lends truth to augusten's memoir. my grandmother was a restauranteur and socialite in 1970's northampton, massachusetts (where running with scissors took place). after reading augusten's novel, she confirmed many of the eccentric and obscene behaviors of the turcotte family throughout the 70's and early 80's. dr. turcotte would have loud talks with his family degrading women and describing explicit sex acts in front of small children, prompting my grandfather to ask him to leave the restaurant on multiple occasions, usually stiffing gramps on the bill.

grandma recalls the family essentially moving into the front yard of their delapitated house one summer after an unprofitable tag sale prevented them from moving the furniture back into the house.

she told me all about the bizarre father's day parades up and down main street with dr. turcotte leading the family wearing no shirt, red suspenders, and a santa hat. he advised my grandfather not to let gram wear the pants in their relationship, sincer her "role" as a woman should be to serve and comply with men.

i guess the most relevant fact contributing to my belief in augusten's memoir is that dr. turcotte lost his license to practice psychiatry in 1984 for GROSS MISCONDUCT. he gave a sexual predator guardianship over his teenage daughter in exchange for cash loans, essentially selling her into prostitution.

i feel like calling up augusten's agent and asking if they need a character witness for the lawsuit. i'm sure grandma would be happy to comply.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

destiny has a pinga


this shot is from my friend amy's birthday last saturday. i think it ranks in my top 5 best nights out ever. "destiny" rocked the beyonce moves and hair, i think some of our straight friends were thrown off by the hips and fake boobs. i taught them them the meaning of "she's on the 'mones'". i think our friend scott may turn into a tranny chaser. photo courtesy of essie.

p.s. i failed to mention that i rolled my window down the whole drunken ride home and yelled out to pedestrians, "all i want for christmas is YOU".

Monday, December 11, 2006

monday morning gripes


first thing this morning i had to deal with was getting logged out of my work laptop for some server problem that i don't understand. next it was onto the airport where i was corralled with other angry/tired business travelers at 6am to fly to texas. i hate this dog and pony show more than most because i realize what a farce "airport security" is. i've been smuggling at least a half dozen chapsticks in my carry-on bag for the past 4 months---and they're NOT in a little plastic baggie. it's my own personal rebellion against the fatally flawed system.

in other news, chris and i had our semi-monthly "power lunch" together last friday which amounts to, in this order, martini/salad/martini/barney's/martini/nap. i got a pair of loafers at a sinful markdown (pictured). they're gorgeous but they are making me blister more than a handjob from a jalepeno farmer. i guess they will be worn when minimal walking is required.

on the yang side of life, i more or less finished 2 songs yesterday. i don't think i've completed any new dirges in months---feels good to get it down on paper.

essie set up his make-shift photo studio in his dad's basement and i got to observe him at work (creativity = HOT). he's doing some post-production on amy's birthday party which i will post soon. think wigs, furry hats, trannies, talking to strangers, and copious amounts of alcohol.

in the meantime, austin is 70 degrees, i've got my difranco playlist running in the background, and i'm not working very hard. life is good.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

i'm really gay at poker


we played "texas hold em" last night at jon & steph's. i realized how absoluely horrible i am at playing cards. i'm one of those people who needs to re-learn a game if i haven't played it in the past 24 hours. i can't really shuffle, i can't really deal, i don't really have any strategy, i always lose all of my money. i need the card game lessons to relate to things like "dance-offs" or "yoga positions", otherwise i am completely lost. i did, however, make a kick ass mix cd that we listened to and i had on that amazing hat (see jpg).

Monday, December 04, 2006

realign your perception


essie and i had the most amazing weekend in houston with our friends ben and robert. we've been so burned out with work and hating on boston, it was a good kick in the pants for both of us to re-evaluate and rediscover our love of art and design. i've been feeling so stagnant and uninspired the past few months, basically identifying as a traveling corporate drone. just being around creative people for a few days has refeuled me to write some new songs, make some new t-shirts, and deal with the fact that i'm going to be at this job/stuck in boston for the next 3 years so i might as well make the best of it. even though i'm revelling in my current euphoric state, you can rest assured, i still hate dakota fanning.

*robert & ben's work can be found here.

*ryan geiger's work, another amazing houston artist, can be found here.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

open for business, bitches


dakota
Originally uploaded by get that thing out of my face.
steph and i finally have our store up and running.

we're adding 3 new designs in the next couple of weeks, stay tuned.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

STFU, MF!


i actually found a non-starbucks cafe to work in today with free wifi in dallas. everything is great except for the fat ass at the table next to me who insists on humming to every motherfucking song on satellite radio. i'm going to order a large scalded milk and throw it at him so that he not only gets 3rd degree burns, but smells like goat cheese and baby puke all day.

Monday, October 30, 2006

halloween & whatnot


um. yeah. essie and i dressed up as beer wenches for a halloween party on saturday night. after the party, we went to a sing-a-long of hedwig and the angry inch at the coolidge. this is what beer, magical cigarettes, and a wig will do to you.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

"doble estanda", as they say in spanish


i love how conservatives are always quick to blast liberals and democrats as morally depraved perverts for supporting gays and other heathens. yet, conservative former rep. mark foley gets caught soliciting young boys on the internet. it seems like this administration has been plagued by a slew of sex scandals be it gay, underage, or just plain adulterous. i want to make a shirt with steph that says, "republican senators: hate gay marriage, love gay prostitutes".

Thursday, September 28, 2006

i just came from the alamo and it SUCKED.


i was in san antonio yesterday for a couple of meetings and i had a little bit of downtime in the afternoon. what is one to do in san antonio when they have free time? visit the alamo, of course! it was disappointing to say the least. i was expecting someone dressed as davie crockett to tour me around the grounds, but to no avail. the best part of the experience what when i sent out a text message to about 10 of my friends declaring my journey to the home of texan independence. here are the responses:

Kipp: Remember the Alamo! Did you send that email to Jimmy?

Steph: OMG.

Travis: Nice! Now you'll see how inaccurate PeeWee's Big Adventure was!

Amy: HA! Remember to ask where the basement is. It's pathetic that I see the word 'alamo' and the first think I think of is Pee Wee's Big Adventure.

Tim: Oh sweet! My fave dinner spot is cappy chino's up broadway in alamo heights. It's a wine bar/rest. with good kobe burgers. The gay area is hood gay.

Katie: Yay pee wee's big adventure! Can y'all say adobe?

Jon: Take pictures!

Lauren: What's the alamo? Do they have shopping?

Friday, September 22, 2006

cruel and unusual punishment


i am addicted to chapstick. i have chapsticks scattered in various locations all over my house. i have at least 3 packed in my suitcase for business trips to potentially arid locations. there is a chapstick in every jacket i own. there is a chapstick in the console, trunk, and glove compartment of my car. give me moist lips or give me death. my body needs it like it needs water. the stupid government has banned carrying chapstick on planes because it's kinda, sorta like a "liquid". this is an extremely difficult rule to abide by when you travel every week for work and you're addicted to lip-balm. yesterday i flew from dallas to boston with a 2 hour layover in chicago, which means i was in an airport/airplane for approximately 8 hours of my day. do you understand what kind of trauma my lips were enduring? 5 minutes before boarding my flight from chicago to boston, i ran to the closest drug kiosk and bought a 3-pack. i ripped open the packaging like a junkie and smeared the sweet, greasy substance all over my mouth area. god, it was better than sex. it was like i'd been walking through the sahara for days and finally stumbled upon an oasis. it was like i had been at barney's after christmas sale all day without my credit cards and found $1,000 cash in a marc jacobs loafer. nobody caught me. nobody frisked me looking for "gel-like" substances, so i'm just going to keep a chapstick handy until they figure out my rouse. if i have to travel with dry lips, then the terrorists have truly won.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

vacation retardation

yeah. we went to provincetown back in august and essie finally downloaded the pictures from our camera. we had a balls-out good time. click on the flickr link to the right to see more.

Monday, September 18, 2006

knuckle down


spending excessive amounts of time watching CNN in marriotts around the country will fuck you up, man. i keep thinking how we'll look back 50 years from now and see iraq and the bush administration as the blunder that it truly is. i just hope that my kids won't have to flee to Saskatchewan to avoid the terror mongering instigated by dubya and his cronies. so, pontificating while in that general vein of bad news hovering over my head like a swarm of mosquitoes in the Louisiana bayou, i transcribed this ani-outtake from a live cd of hers:

"i've begun to think of peace as just a product of balance. you know, it's natures, it's written all over the world. the real one...that takes over when that high pitched tv tone goes away. i had the incredible fortune to go to hiroshima, japan recently and went to the museum there and just cried and cried and cried... the mayor of hiroshima sends a letter every time there's a nuclear test and some weapon is blasted off somewhere...he sends a letter going, 'you know, take it from me...' but all the way through the museum there was just one thing i saw missing in all the governments that make war: fundamentally out of balance. men, while being quite cunning and real good at making a lot of really cool shit, just can't do it on their own. it's not natural."

Sunday, September 10, 2006

9/11 orgy

in the wake of the worst attack on american soil, the media is jerking off all over itself in the form of tv specials, a presidential visit to ground zero, hollywood portrayals, and real-time footage of planes crashing into the world trade center. i can't help but think that "our lessons are still hanging in the air"; what else will it take to wake us up? my favorite little folksinger puts it best:

yes,
us people are just poems
we're 90% metaphor
with a leanness of meaning
approaching hyper-distillation
and once upon a time
we were moonshine
rushing down the throat of a giraffe
yes, rushing down the long hallway
despite what the p.a. announcement says
yes, rushing down the long stairs
with the whiskey of eternity
fermented and distilled
to eighteen minutes
burning down our throats
down the hall
down the stairs
in a building so tall
that it will always be there
yes, it's part of a pair
there on the bow of noah's ark
the most prestigious couple
just kickin back parked
against a perfectly blue sky
on a morning beatific
in its indian summer breeze
on the day that america
fell to its knees
after strutting around for a century
without saying thank you
or please

and the shock was subsonic
and the smoke was deafening
between the setup and the punch line
cuz we were all on time for work that day
we all boarded that plane for to fly
and then while the fires were raging
we all climbed up on the windowsill
and then we all held hands
and jumped into the sky

and every borough looked up when it heard the first blast
and then every dumb action movie was summarily surpassed
and the exodus uptown by foot and motorcar
looked more like war than anything i've seen so far
so far
so far
so fierce and ingenious
a poetic specter so far gone
that every jackass newscaster was struck dumb and stumbling
over 'oh my god' and 'this is unbelievable' and on and on
and i'll tell you what, while we're at it
you can keep the pentagon
keep the propaganda
keep each and every tv
that's been trying to convince me
to participate
in some prep school punk's plan to perpetuate retribution
perpetuate retribution
even as the blue toxic smoke of our lesson in retribution
is still hanging in the air
and there's ash on our shoes
and there's ash in our hair
and there's a fine silt on every mantle
from hell's kitchen to brooklyn
and the streets are full of stories
sudden twists and near misses
and soon every open bar is crammed to the rafters
with tales of narrowly averted disasters
and the whiskey is flowin
like never before
as all over the country
folks just shake their heads
and pour

so here's a toast to all the folks who live in palestine
afghanistan
iraq

el salvador

here's a toast to the folks living on the pine ridge reservation
under the stone cold gaze of mt. rushmore

here's a toast to all those nurses and doctors
who daily provide women with a choice
who stand down a threat the size of oklahoma city
just to listen to a young woman's voice

here's a toast to all the folks on death row right now
awaiting the executioner's guillotine
who are shackled there with dread and can only escape into their heads
to find peace in the form of a dream

cuz take away our playstations
and we are a third world nation
under the thumb of some blue blood royal son
who stole the oval office and that phony election
i mean
it don't take a weatherman
to look around and see the weather
jeb said he'd deliver florida, folks
and boy did he ever

and we hold these truths to be self evident:
#1 george w. bush is not president
#2 america is not a true democracy
#3 the media is not fooling me
cuz i am a poem heeding hyper-distillation
i've got no room for a lie so verbose
i'm looking out over my whole human family
and i'm raising my glass in a toast

here's to our last drink of fossil fuels
let us vow to get off of this sauce
shoo away the swarms of commuter planes
and find that train ticket we lost
cuz once upon a time the line followed the river
and peeked into all the backyards
and the laundry was waving
the graffiti was teasing us
from brick walls and bridges
we were rolling over ridges
through valleys
under stars
i dream of touring like duke ellington
in my own railroad car
i dream of waiting on the tall blonde wooden benches
in a grand station aglow with grace
and then standing out on the platform
and feeling the air on my face

give back the night its distant whistle
give the darkness back its soul
give the big oil companies the finger finally
and relearn how to rock-n-roll
yes, the lessons are all around us and a change is waiting there
so it's time to pick through the rubble, clean the streets
and clear the air
get our government to pull its big dick out of the sand
of someone else's desert
put it back in its pants
and quit the hypocritical chants of
freedom forever

cuz when one lone phone rang
in two thousand and one
at ten after nine
on nine one one
which is the number we all called
when that lone phone rang right off the wall
right off our desk and down the long hall
down the long stairs
in a building so tall
that the whole world turned
just to watch it fall


and while we're at it
remember the first time around?
the bomb?
the ryder truck?
the parking garage?
the princess that didn't even feel the pea?
remember joking around in our apartment on avenue D?

can you imagine how many paper coffee cups would have to change their design
following a fantastical reversal of the new york skyline?!

it was a joke, of course
it was a joke
at the time
and that was just a few years ago
so let the record show
that the FBI was all over that case
that the plot was obvious and in everybody's face
and scoping that scene
religiously
the CIA
or is it KGB?
committing countless crimes against humanity
with this kind of eventuality
as its excuse
for abuse after expensive abuse
and it didn't have a clue
look, another window to see through
way up here
on the 104th floor
look
another key
another door
10% literal
90% metaphor
3000 some poems disguised as people
on an almost too perfect day
should be more than pawns
in some asshole's passion play
so now it's your job
and it's my job
to make it that way
to make sure they didn't die in vain
sshhhhhh....
baby listen
hear the train?

© 2001 ani difranco / righteous babe music

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

trading predatory conservative journalism for trannies

seriously. why not? i spend too much time in my hotel room watching CNN and it's really wearing me out. if i hear one more loud spoken, honey-glazed, tub of bacon grease republican label all democrats as unpatriotic socialists, i'm going to poop on nancy grace's chest. maybe i could just kidnap her and swap her out for ladybunny. i mean, they pretty much look the same, and lady bunny would really shake things up. go ahead, tell me which one is cnn's nancy grace and which is the drag queen...





believe me, nancy won't be missed.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

lunch on the D list


yesterday i missed my flight to kansas city so i found myself trapped in the dulles airport, outside of D.C. i sat down to lunch in a nearly empty airport restaurant. i glanced around at the other patrons and noticed that marc summers of nickelodeon's double dare was sitting a few tables away. i knew for sure it was him because i had a gay-childhood crush on marc and remembered seeing a recent E! true hollywood story about him dealing with a particularly afflicting case of obsessive compulsive disorder. he has actually aged pretty well. i considered asking the waiter for "THE PHYSICAL CHALLENGE", but decided to go with the cobb salad instead.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

everyone needs to feel special

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Monday, July 31, 2006

living large in the marquis


hertz somehow stuck me with a grand marquis as my rental for this week in st. louis. i usually get a ford taurus or some ford SUV. i get off the plane, already running late for my meeting, and had to just take the car they assigned me and get on the road. i didn't realize until i arrived at my appointment, how foolishly large this car is. the marquis' butt stuck out about 4 ft. past the parking space. i can barely see over the dashboard and i'm 6'3".

it's so embarassing driving around in this beast mobile. i feel like people think i either a) just dropped my grandpa off at the doctor and i'm running some errands for him or b) i'm a drug dealer.

i went to whole foods to get a salad for dinner and tried to swing out of my parking spot and into the road. i couldn't quite make the radius so i had to do a 3 point turn which resulted in 2 cars waiting for me to finish my elaborate maneuver. one of the drivers who had to queue for me was a skinny blonde in a saab who snarled and shook her head in disgust as i passed by. i wanted to scream at her: THIS IS NOT REALLY ME! I'M ONE OF YOU, I'M JUST TRAPPED IN THIS CAR FOR A WEEK AGAINST MY WILL!

i really hope i get a taurus next week.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Googlism for "Essie" (My Boyfriend)

essie is a glamorous figure for me
essie is the pussy power cat
essie is the therapist for you
essie is modeling her silk and lace victorian dress
essie is told she has only months to live
essie is called to testify before huac; with charming belligerence
essie is adored in her perfect childhood dream
essie is not as much like her as amber is like me
essie is smart
essie is emmeline's best friend at klc
essie is buried in griffin cemetery
essie is pleasant and lets you know how special his business is to him
essie is strong no nonsense woman
essie is made from muslin
essie is the only polish worth its weight in gold
essie is a dancer with two left feet who takes lessons from
essie is unexpectedly involved in another story
essie is 'n lid sedert 22 april 2002
essie is ofa good
essie is delighted to be surrounded by three men
essie is a ballet dancer
essie is making this run to bring awareness of the efforts of harriet tubman
essie is interviewed in slave quarters
essie is reading law
essie is a cutie
essie is responsible for the technical and scientific aspects of nutrition education research and the analysis of large national data sets to help respond to
essie is komkommerkoel
essie is entangled in the search for the killer
essie is 21 years old and lives in the rotterdam area
essie is a pixie in toeshoes
essie is the devoted wife and mother
essie is a junior and served as a two year jv goalkeeper
essie is not a generic term and
essie is already a java junkie
essie is somewhat more sophisticated and involves exploration and practice in addition
essie is missing a few teeth
essie is the director of the middle school and an assistant head
essie is capering about in a tutu; ed is playing the xylophone; mr
essie is beautiful and she knows it
essie is in the square bottle
essie is in love 15
essie is a sweet
essie is based on the oral history of moabite essie white
essie is dedicated to her family and church
essie is quick to show me a 52ff
essie is the wife of rev
essie is a typey girl with exceptional motherhood abilities
essie is the daughter of nancy jane
essie is a talentless ballerina married to a talentless musician
essie is lee's sister
essie is a painter/printmaker currently completing a fine arts degree at deakin
essie is 102 years old
essie is from cincinnati and has a brother with a developmental disability
essie is going to sign the contract she suddenly passes out
essie is right and we all > know it's true about the number of people who rely on > both prescription drugs and otc medicines
essie is right and we all know it's true about the number of people who rely on both prescription drugs and otc medicines
essie is reliable and efficient
essie is still too young to gauge
essie is a one year old standard female
essie is showing her rap talent yet again
essie is two years older than the census marie
essie is worried
essie is preceded in death by her parents; two sisters
essie is very popular
essie is
essie is home again
essie is on a train into manhattan to meet erik face to face
essie is sponsored by
essie is currently in rehearsal for a streetcar named desire at the national theatre starring as stella opposite glenn close`s
essie is almost as good and the colors are superb
essie is male and married to hattie
essie is risk neutral and payoffs are shown in the following table
essie is aunt of larry hefner of forrest > city who > has helped us with reunion
essie is not her merciful dying and release from her broken body; what i remember is her daily lifting her head up
essie is busy collecting seeds from the many plants and already planning for next year
essie is quite well she asks about you very frequently
essie is returning to her small white
essie is dana?s mother; the car is registered in essie callaway?s name
essie is the evening’s warmest performance
essie is deceased
essie is calling me i got to go
essie is a true springtime delight
essie is very ill with low
essie is the daughter of katy chaiken and the granddaughter of louis chaiken
essie is the latest fuzzy family member

hot for yoga teacher



i had a really attractive yoga instructor today...so hot he inspired me to write the following verse, i call it "hot for yoga teacher":

your downward doggie make me wanna blow up your spot
your garurasana make me wanna tie you up in knots
namaste
are you gay?
does it matter anyway?
put your feet behind your head
i'll give it to you any day
pranayama in and out
show you what it's all about
padangustana in your face
take the bikram tantric route

put you in child's pose
crying cuz it hurt so good
padahastasana flexing like you never knew you could

turn up the heat
turn down the lights
lay on your mat
savasana's right
take off your speedo
pumped up libido
tadasana
break you like a dorito

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

fuck you america


180 people died in the bombings in india yesterday and over 700 people were injured. i saw a peripheral blurb about it on cnn this morning. as i picked up the paper and checked cnn.com, the major headlines were plastered with information on the jessica lunsford case and tiles falling in the god-forsaken big dig in my hometown. since when did methodically crafted mass murder take a back seat to our shoddy tunnells and murder trials? don't major US businesses have substantial investments in operations in india? isn't anyone pissed off? sympathetic? where is the news coverage?

"i must admit
today my inner pessimist
seems to have got the best of me
we start out sugared up on kool-aid and manifest destiny
and we memorize all the president's names
like little trained monkeys
and then we're spit into the world
so many spinny-eyed t.v. junkies
incapable of unravelling the military industrial mystery
preemptively pacified with history book history
an i've been around the world now
and i can see this about america
the mind control is steep here, man
the myopia is deep here"

-ani

...just another example of the media mind-fucking us all and ignoring major news when it doesn't specifically impact our geo-political interests (read: oil).

i HATE homosapiens


i wouldn't eat next to a homosapien. i wouldn't sit next to a homosapien. i wouldn't even LOOK at a homosapien. homosapienism is disgusting. i read the bible, matthew 24:17, "thou shalt not be homosapien". that's right, the homosapiens will eternally burn in the firey pitch of HELL! jesus will send them down to satan the devil who will ship the homosapiens down that little black river of hades where their sinful sapien flesh will burn to a toasty crisp and then he'll roast them on a FIREY SPIT like a pork butt on the 4th of july. i wish i could to that to a homosapien.

what i really hate are the homosapiens going around tryin' to get everyone else to be homosapien with them. i mean, why must you parade around? they're trying to get our children to accept their homosapianity. it's just wrong.

what's worse are the bi-sapiens. i mean, what do you like you bi-sapien? MAKE UP YUR FREAKIN' MIND!

do not forget, my dear christians, the homosapiens can be SAVED! sweet jesus, they can be saved.

...but they can never sit next to me in heaven.

girlfriend?


i'm definitely not closeted in most social situations, but since i've taken this "on-the-road" sales job, there have been a number of occasions where it would have proven to be socially awkward if i had been totally honest about my sexuality. it's important to note that some of my work travel spans rural texas and arkansas. i'm pretty good at changing pronouns on a dime, but sometimes my responses to questions about my "special someone" catch me off guard. this is often the case when i walk into an office with "CHRIST IS OUR CORNERSTONE" plastered across the reception desk and i feel totally disorientated and scared. here's an example:

(texas financial advisor in italics)
so, i don't see a ring on your finger, you got yurself a lady friend?
well, i recently got engaged, thanks for asking.

congratufreakinlations! what's your fiancee like?
oh...you know...6'2"...240

(silence)

big hands...size 13 shoe.

you sure are a funny guy there andy! ...makin' us thank yur a queer! whut's she do fur work?
demolition

good christ! she must be in pretty good shape!
yeah, she can bench about 280.

she got a nice set?
yeah, they're pretty big. she shaves them too. i've actually figured out how to unhinge my jaw so i can fit them both in my mouth.


this is my life.

Monday, July 10, 2006

om shanti


over the past 5 weeks or so i've become obsessed with yoga. i started doing bikram yoga on the road because there are studios in just about every city i have to travel to. i'm losing my beer gut and i feel so freaking good all the time. i don't even crave coffee in the morning anymore. i think the key is to practice regularly, drink lots of water, and wear a hot pink leotard.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

2 years


he's alright. i think i'll hang on to him for a little longer. or maybe forever.

dallas


work this week has been really stressful.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

unsavory



ladies, pull your pants up when you're sitting at a bar...especially if you have a severe case of dumpass like this chick.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

note to self:



do not jerk off with the free orange ginger body lotion at the marriott.

what's up, babs?


the other day on "the view" barbara ripped ann coulter a new one. she even called her a heartless bitch. don't fuck with barbara walters. you cannot FUCK with BARBARA WALTERS!

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

i want the world


I want the whole world
I want to lock it all up in my pocket
It's my bar of chocolate
Give it to me
Now!

I want today
I want tomorrow
I want to wear 'em like braids in my hair
And I don't want to share 'em

I want a party with room fulls of laughter
Ten thousand tons of ice cream
And if I don't get the things I am after
I'm going to scream!


I want the works
I want the whole works
Presents and prizes
and sweets
and surprises
Of all shapes and sizes
And now
Don't care how
I want it now
Don't care how
I want it now

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

all the pot in the world


couldn't make me want to eat this. if i see the add for this fucking bowl-of-white-trash-pig-slop one more time, i'm going to fucking wretch.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

perfect


i'm in dallas where it's 1,000 degrees, i've got a cold, my hotel room is next to the ice machine which makes sounds akin to a helicopter landing on my forehead every 10 minutes and my rental car just started wildly smoking for no apparent reason. tomorrow is my birthday, my 25th birthday, which means i'm officially old. at least i don't have cancer yet.

**UPDATE** the customer service rep at the car rental agency was like, "can you drive it back to the airport?" and i was like, "um, no, i don't think it's a good idea to drive a smoking car down the freeway". he's like, "well, we'll cover the towing but if we can't find anything wrong with it, you'll have to pay for it". then the bitter queen came out, "well, i'm pretty sure the clouds of smoke and the drivers next to me honking and pointing at the impending explosion will vouch that there's something wrong with the car, so why don't you get on the horn and call a tow truck". *two snaps up*

brokeback makes me want to dance!


i went out pretty hard with my friends amy & travis last saturday night when essie was out of town (when the cat's away...). we ended up at the eagle a.k.a. "the dirty bird". surprisingly, they always play pretty good music there even though most of the men are hideous.

i don't know how many tequila shots into the night i was but i faintly recognized the song the dj was playing. "is this the theme to brokeback mountain?...remixed?" "uh...yeah", says travis. i couldn't freaking believe it. leave it to our vapid, roid-raged, circuit party queens to remix the fucking brokeback mountain themesong. way to convert a blood-stained cowboy shirt into a fucking pink bikini.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

highway renegayd


i think the city of dallas has about 30,000 tolls. also, i think i drove through every one of them today. since i've been working all over the southwest, i've probably passed through dozens of tolls without paying. it's not that i just don't want to pay, it's just sometimes i'm not expecting them, i'm on the phone with a client, i'm rocking out to ani difranco, i don't have any change, or i simply don't feel like paying. if there's no change machine or tollbooth attendant, i'm obviously going to drive right through. so far i've done this in oklahoma city, tulsa, houston, dallas, and denver. surprisingly, i haven't gotten a ticket. i have 2 theories on the issue:

1. the municipalities of these states don't really care if you don't pay their tolls--it's strictly based on the honor system.

2. i'm in a new car, with new plates, from a rental agency every week. in boston, the first time you blow through the tolls, they send you a slap-on-the-wrist warning. if it happens again, you're toast. since it probably costs the toll company more money to research my plates, contact the rental car agency, and then forward the bill on to boston, i think they just let me slide.

another possibility is that one day i'm going to get slapped with an $80,000 fine for years of flipping off the tollbooth cameras. at this point, i'm willing to take that risk. fuck the tolls, i'm living on the edge.

Friday, May 19, 2006

le petit loser


remember what it was like to be the biggest freak in school? in my case, i was 10 feet taller than everyone else and gayer than mario cantone on the rag. tonight, i think i had what they call in french: le post-traumatic episode.

i guess i haven't been out at a club by myself for a few years now and being on the road from monday to whateverday has changed all of that. i've got many nights to myself, so i generally try to get out and see the sights. currently, i'm at a conference in quebec city, which is beautiful and pretty gay. after my obligations with the 50 year-old borings, i ventured out to the bars. i saw a great drag show and sort of made friends with some french canadians. ...or so i thought.

we were all on the dance floor and all of a sudden i felt like they were making fun of me. i felt like they thought i was chasing them, begging them to be my friends. i'm pretty sure, in reality, i didn't come off that way. i couldn't have. i'm so cool in boston. i can hold my own in LA or NY or even Barcelona, for that matter. it was probably all in my head. maybe it's the self-consciousness of not completely knowing the language and being in a new town, but have you ever just felt like you were the big, fat, fucking zit-faced 16 year old girl in a room full of well-groomed, french speaking hotties? ...i felt it tonight. ...like they thought i was totally lame. i wanted to just go off on my own but at the same time didn't want to let them know i was afraid of them thinking that i was afraid of them. does that make sense? madonna blaring in the background, i'm pretty sure they were all saying, "loook at ze silly ah-mahr-eeeh-KAHN". *takes drag of cigarette*

fuck you canada.

when did i start caring about fitting in? i'm usually the motherfucking bomb of the party. tonight karma totally knocked me town like 50 pegs. i didn't fit in with the 50 year-old stock brokers, i didn't fit in with the 21 year-old gays, i felt alienated and rightly so.

so now i'm cleaning out my minibar and living it up in my amazing suite in which people can only make fun of me in english and to my face.

at the risk of sounding cheesey and drunk-blogging: here's a toast to all the fags who don't fit in with other fags. to fags who also don't fit in with their paycheck signing breeders whose asses they're supposed to kiss. to fags who make their own party wherever they go. to fags who idenitfy with a sigularity, who don't succumb to a bitchy elite. to fags who follow a path lead by their *generally* non-judgemental, english-speaking hearts.



...i also just realized that i stepped in dog shit on my way home.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

tranniccino


i was just served an iced coffee by a black transsexual. important note: i'm in downtown little rock, arkansas this week. what a breath of fresh air. i wanted to high five her or give her "two snaps up" but i was with a client and thought it would be inappropriate.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

jesus help me


i just spent an hour and a half between appointments, sitting in a parking lot deciding whether or not to cut my hair. i want to grow it out and wear it shaggy but it's probably not going to look very professional and will give away my age. i still haven't decided.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

i think i have better hair days in texas


i think it's the humidity, colorado is so dry...not that i'm complaining, denver is waaaay better than the lonestar state. i saw real, live lesbians today on the street. i can't remember the last time i've seen a real lesbian during my monday-thursday excursions to the southwest. i walked around boulder tonight just for the funk of it and the boys here are rediculous. i could sit on a street corner and cat call them for days.

i've been watching too much oprah since i got this job. my last daytime appointment usually gets out around 3:30, so i make it back to the hotel with just enough time to see her recommendations on which new khakis minimize her ginormous ass. today she had terry hatcher on. i realize she just came out as a childhood abuse victim, but that bitch is so TIRED. i could stand watching her all teary eyed for an hour. vomit.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

the reason i started making t-shirts with steph

my new installation on newbury street, boston


i call it "barbies in dirt". curator: maya, age 5. location: outside of starbucks.

pride on the freeway ramp


i wish this came out better but i was trying to drive. the interior of the sign is one of those cheesy air-brushed pictures of dolphins jumping out of the ocean. is there a high density of dolphins in houston?