Mind Your T's and Q's

Some of my best friends are straight. Insert sarcasm. Amazingly, when you function as a productive member of society and you happen to be gay, you basically have to learn how to navigate and manipulate the heterosexual society in order to promote the Gay Agenda.

Kidding. Sort of.

It's funny, so many times when Essie and I meet people (and if there is alcohol) someone invariably blurts out, "you guys are totally not event gay" as if it were a compliment to "pass" as a straight person. "I mean, you guys are so normal." Um, thanks? I'm lucky (?) to be the type of gay who holds a corporate job in a white, straight, male dominated industry. I prefer preppy fashion. I don't act like Carson Kressley. I'd rather listen to Radiohead than Britney Spears. This just happens to be me. It's also not me all the time. Sometimes I really like to queen out, which might make those acquaintances slap their words between two slices of San Francisco sourdough and bite down harder than a nipple clamp in the Castro.

I'm afraid that people think I'm assimilating when, in fact, I'm trying to colonize. I know someone who always says that "you can't be a little prejudiced" when we're talking pro-gay issues. I wonder if she would still be so open if I said that I wanted to get a sex change. People like gay as long as it kinda sorta looks like them.

Same goes for the new gay bourgeois. There is a wave of gay men who want marriage the way heteros have it. They only accept people who look like them. They are afraid of transsexuals and deplore polyamorous relationships. They want to be as heteronormative as possible.

Frankly, I love the queers. As gay becomes more and more mainstream, I feel like it's my responsibility to help and support the queers on the fringes of society who we still ignore, taunt, and terrorize.

I'm afraid that the same men who want to make people comfortable with their brand of gay, don't know their history. Act Up, The AIDS quilt, die-ins on the capitol in the 80's are all distant memories of a generation who barely exists because their peers perished. Sean Penn as Harvey Milk painted a gay-lite version of a struggle pre-80's before the greatest disease of our generation decimated a population. While I'm happy that I don't have to deal with AIDS on a personal level or with my immediate friends, I envy the camaraderie that the LGBTQ community had amidst a health crisis some 20 years ago.

I believe that everyone must know their history in order to understand their identity. Everyone goes through an identity development process, predominantly in adolescence. The young baby gays can't let the sterilized TV versions of gay form who they become in adulthood.

I don't pray, but if I did, I would give thanks to the men who took their last breath at St. Vincent's and the lesbians who sat at their bedsides. I would praise their bravery and determination to live lives according to queer ideals. I would thank the drag queen who threw the first brick at the Stonewall riot. I would give a spiritual high five to Oscar Wilde and Virginia Wolfe.

I attribute who I have become as a homo to people who fought for their queer identities and demanded to be treated decently, not to Will & Grace, Queer Eye, Sex in the City, et al.

I want everyone on my lawn, no matter how queer. It's up to those of us who appear more hetero-friendly to be advocates for the T's and Q's of the LGBTQ community. You have to know you enemy and then you have to operate on their level and then you take over their empire and bring all your queers with you. We have to stop the ghettoizaion that happens in our community and broaden our understanding of what it means to be queer. Next time someone tells Essie and I that we're "not that gay" I'm going to ask, "What do you mean? What kind of gay people make you uncomfortable?" while subsequently applying pink lip gloss and stripping down to a sequined jock strap.

How To Survive a Recession

“As life gets longer, awful feels softer.” –Modest Mouse

Today the DOW closed above 11,000 for the first time in 18 months. The S&P is approaching an important psychological benchmark of 1200. Companies added 160,000-ish jobs in March, the biggest jump in three years. Obama got his health care plan and the world didn’t end. The pandering of Republicans about imminent socialism and an end of free markets as we know it doesn’t seem to be playing out. The National Bureau of Economic Research says it’s too early to tell if we have come out of the recession, but it doesn’t take a weather man to look around and see the weather. It feels like the sun is peeking through some thick clouds at the end of a long thunderstorm.

I’m not posting this to brag about my circumstances or tell people what decisions to make with their lives. I still have friends who are tirelessly looking for jobs or taking jobs that they are grossly under qualified for. In hindsight, I have been extremely lucky the past 2 years. Even though the Great Recession really hurt (really, REALLY hurt) and there were times when I felt like all of my hopes and dreams were never going to come true, I now look back and appreciate the prudent choices that Essie and I made.

I have a stock market job. I was one of those d-bags who did really well through most of 2007 and 2008. While it was happening, I had this constant anxiety that my prosperity could be taken from me at any time. One should always be weary of euphoric markets. I was right. I remember landing in Colorado at noon on a Monday, turning on my blackberry to learn about the collapse of Lehman Brothers and the subsequent tanking of the stock market. Essie had two more semesters of grad school and we were supposed to start building our dream house in Austin within months. Please realize that we cut tens of thousands of dollars in architectural extravagances already, to get our costs in line with a realistic, affordable mortgage. (Meanwhile the bank never told us “no” and bent over backwards to over-leverage a frightening jumbo loan.)

Game over.

For the next year and a half my commissions were less than a third of what they were in 2007. Yes, I was extremely fortunate because my firm kept me on. Essie was working and we were ok. The house, however, would have to be postponed, lending dried up literally overnight. We now had to save 20% of the building costs in order to start construction (weeks prior we had been quoted as little as 5%). We now had two mortgages: One on a condo in Boston that we occupied and a note on the land we purchased in Austin. Neither mortgages were ridiculously high, but with the real possibility of lay-offs, we had to make some tough decisions, fast.

I think back on the Great Depression and realize how bitchy and spoiled we are. When families subsisted on one meal a day, we were losing our vacation homes to foreclosure. Essie and I made many lifestyle changes and cut out a lot of fat (sometimes literally) only to end up with more net worth than we had back in 2007.

Here’s what we did:

1. We immediately put our Boston condo on craigslist, found a renter and moved in with Essie’s parents. Not ideal for a couple of late twenty-something’s, but we made our biggest asset work for us and became cash-flow neutral after taxes. We put away a few thousand a month for our dream house down payment.

2. I interned at a wine shop. I had always wanted to learn about wine and since I couldn’t afford the good stuff, I worked the shop and got a 20% discount. Essie was in class most Saturdays so it gave me something to do while he was finishing his MBA.

3. I stopped shopping and using credit cards. There were some days when I could do some real damage at Barney’s, and thankfully, most of those items were still in style and would hopefully last me through the recession. Keeping my weekends busy (see #2) also kept my mind off materialism.

4. We stopped having hundred-dollar dinners. In Boston, the drinks, apps, entrees, desserts, and drinks can add up really quick. Dinner for two in the Sound End can easily get up to $200 before you know it. Multiply that by Friday and Saturday night and you have a car payment for a brand new BMW. We cooked at home or with friends or went out for Mexican instead of French.

5. We kept driving a crappy Honda Civic. It was (is) a beat up 2003 EX that has been nicked, scratched, and dented by the inconsiderate drivers and snowplows of Boston. She’s not pretty but she is paid off and gets us around. We are still going to keep her until after the construction has begun and we can put a big chunk of cash down on a new car. Donald Trump or some other wildly successful white straight guy once said to never finance a depreciating asset. Whenever I see people my age or younger with a nicer car, I remind myself that my most valuable asset is not my car. Bwah haha! How many properties do YOU have?

6. We used points. I had gobs of hotel and airline points saved up from all of my business travel. We were able to enjoy a couple of long weekends in New York thanks to Marriott and even traveled to Rio De Janeiro last March on American Airline points. NOTE: We were in the beach in Ipanema on the day the market hit bottom. When the points ran out, we went camping. Can’t afford to rent a beach house on Cape Cod? The B&Bs start around $150/night with a 3 night minimum. A campsite runs about $150 for 3 nights for 4 people. Not a horrible way to get your beach on for the 4th of July.


7. Keep investing. Even though I really could have used the extra cash flow, I actually increased my 401k contributions because it was very likely that I would never see stocks so cheap again in my life.

8. Lose weight. Whenever my life feels like it’s spiraling out of control, I hit the gym. My physical body is something I can control when external forces seem turbulent. You feel a sense of accomplishment and progress when headlines are full of doom and gloom. Exercise is a great way to reduce stress. Essie and I both dropped serious poundage last year.

9. Take a chance on a new city. All along we had planned on moving to Austin. My job would transfer me and Essie worked in technology, the dominant sector in Austin. It was risky moving when Essie had no job but we made a leap of faith. We packed up a POD and shipped out to Texas. We drove the Honda cross-country and settled in to a loft apartment (gigantic by Boston standards) about 2 blocks from where we hope to build our house. We have been able to get to know our neighborhood and talk to others who have built in the area. Essie found a great job after a relatively short 6 month search. Austin turned out to be one of the best decisions of our lives.

10. Communicate. I totally understand why people get divorced when they fall on hard times. If Essie and I hadn’t talked out our fears and anxieties, I think it would have been easy to direct the anger/frustration on each other. We didn’t. We still like each other. Home building together might be another story.

Chances are we will never see a recession like this again in our lifetimes and I hope the statistics tell the truth. However, if we find ourselves in a financial predicament again in the future, I know that Essie and I can be nimble and thrifty and can block out the talking heads on TV who foretell the Economic End of Days. We will start construction (hopefully) in August and our mortgage will be about $1,000 less per month with our 20% down payment. We will get a new car when we can pay cash for it, we’re still using points to go to New York and I plan on buying some gorgeous new loafers at the Barney’s summer sale this July. We are also counting down to a fun vacation rental on Cape Cod with our best friends this summer. Camping fucking sucks.

Cooking Gay: Thanksgiving Edition

I must begin by thanking the women who have helped me pursue my love of cooking homosexually: The Gregarious Julia Child who taught me how to tie and season a roast while other kids were watching the Superbowl. Thanks to the diligent editing of Ruth Reichl from Gourmet Magazine (may it rest in peace now that all of those hideous pedestrian magazines have stolen its shelf space. Cooking Light? "Oh look! Another 12 recipes for dry chicken!" More like "Cooking Straight" or "Cooking With No Sense of Metaphor"). Canipes of love also go out to Sheila Lukins and Julee Rosso of Silver Palate fame. For without them the 80's would have been a completely useless decade and my drab suburban upbringing would not have been colored with Caviar Roulade and Foie Gras. Cooking Thanksgiving dinner does not have to be complicated. Straight people and their multi-national food corporations will have you think that it's perfectly fine to serve cranberry sauce from a can or make your stuffing from a box. A lesson to you all: stuffing comes from bread, not from boxes. Cranberry "sauce" does not imply to your guests that you are one who lives graciously. "We're having Cranberry chutney and herbed savory bread pudding." Doesn't that sound lovely? Many of my Thanksgiving guests spend the previous night at my house or arrive early to enjoy brunch, cocktails and witty banter. We start with a sausage and manchego strata. An Italian strata is more or less a lazy Gay's quiche. The chef de cuisine layers bread with sheep's milk manchego and crumbled andouille sausage along with caramelized onions, a handful of whatever herbs are on your kitchen windowsill. The strata can be assembled the night before and popped in the oven at 400 degrees and baked for 45 minutes or until the top is golden brown. This frees up your morning to talk with your guests about perennial gardening, 4 ply cashmere, the trade deficit, or Madonna's cheek implants. Also, throwing the strata in the oven will allow time to steam, starch, and press your white table cloth and napkins. What?Serve squares of the strata with a mixed green salad (use whatever vinaigrette comes to mind: white balsamic honey thyme, lemon garlic anchovy...you don't need ME to tell you!). Strong coffee is also necessary to keep your guests alert and postured appropriately. As your guests sing along to the Cole Porter songbook, prepare the turkey. Anything over 14lbs and you're in for a gay man's nightmare: dry breast meat. I prefer to brine my turkey for about 8 hours in a bath of spring water, apple-wood smoked salt, white pepper, garlic, and rosemary. I generally follow one of the recipes from Gourmet, as Ruth's relentless kitchen staff have attempted cooking turkeys in every imaginable combination of salts, infused butter, herbs, etc. While you are prepping the turkey, put out a lovely spread of anti-pasti. This past Thanksgiving, I used inspiration from Spanish Tapas to create my nibbles. An earthy block of manchego next to garlic and lemon olives compliments a spicy chorizo. Sweet fig jam next to punchy cornichons and a glass of Juve Y Camps Cava will make the afternoon a delight. "What turkey? These olives are divine!" Gay people like to take the European route and have dinner at a sophisticated hour: anytime after 8pm. This allows time for a workout, assembling your flower arrangements, and a quick facial moisturizing treatment. Every chef must create anticipation for the most homosexually intense meal of the year. As the turkey rests, I make a reduction or "gravy" as straight people refer to it, out of pan juices, a roux, and a little heavy cream. I mash Yukon gold potatoes with salt, pepper, and cream cheese. Quickly saute brussel sprouts with butter, salt, and honey while making sure your savory bread pudding or "stuffing" is becoming golden in the oven. This year, I included mashed yams which were dressed up with pureed chipotle peppers in adobo. This added a nice spicy contrast to the meal without being overly ethnic. Don't forget to add a dab of cranberry apple cutney to each plate. Beaujolais or Gamay are appropriate wines to serve. Chardonnays and Cabernets are for the nuveaux riche who don't understand nuance.Make sure that no guests have an empty glass. If it's on the table, it should be full. This rule applies to water glasses, wine glasses, and any dishes. No one wants to sit at a table with a cleaned plate and an empty champagne flute staring back at them. Also, be sure that your flower arrangements are not too tall or too fragrant. Your table ornamentation should not compete with the extravagance of your menu. As dessert time approaches, polish your snifters and pour your guests 2 fingers of Cognac, Armagnac, or Calvados. I prepare ONE Thanksgiving dessert. You don't want to encourage any already heft guests to over indulge. I enjoy a pumpkin bourbon cheesecake with a graham cracker crust. It says, "I'm down to earth. I understand what average people want." This will put your straight guests as ease.I hope you find these entertainment and cooking tips helpful. May your day of thanks be filled with joy and culinary faggotry.