I was the child star of my congregation of Jehovah's Witnesses. I began participating in the church discussions as soon as I could say "Armageddon." We met every Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday with door-knocking on Saturday mornings and school vacations. I rang doorbells and warned strangers of their upcoming destruction. I spoke "from the heart" during Watchtower magazine Q&A, often citing scriptures and personal experiences. I think that the rapid progress of my spiritual evolution in the church was mostly due to my early knowledge (age 5) of my homosexuality. It's very easy to learn to adapt and change to conform with a population of people when you have something to hide from them. Instead of rebelling at 5 years of age when I realized homo was a no-no, I decided to jump in full force. After all, when elders preach from a podium that you can pray the gay away, you take it as fact at age 5. Most kindergartners believe in Santa Clause, I believed in gay-rehab.
Frequently, I was chosen to be an example of outstanding youths often profiled during our mega-conventions to inspire and encourage other young Jehovah's Witnesses. Sometimes I was booked to play a troubled youth struggling with a shoplifting problem. Other times I played a faithful Israelite fleeing Pharaoh's clutches. I was method all the way.
In any case, when I was about 14, an Elder approached me to speak at a convention of 4,000 Jehovah's Witnesses. I was to relay a personal experience about defending my faith at school. Throughout most of my childhood, I would preach to kids at school and explain (with Bible citations) the "reasoning" behind my beliefs. At the ripe age of 14, evangelism was really starting to get old. The inevitable firm grip of puberty and the development of my sexual identity was giving me blue balls. I hadn't cracked open my Bible at school all year. Dammit. The elders were counting on me to deliver something inspiration to these kids. People looked up to me as someone of immense faith and outspokenness. This was the chance of a lifetime to receive applause and command tears from 4,000 Jehovah's Witnesses. This was no fucking joke.
Obviously, I agreed to relay an experience. After months of mental jogging, reading up on other youth's experiences, and attempts to proselytize other 9th graders, the day had arrived. Thousands of Jehovah's Witnesses filtered into convention center, opened up their songbooks, and began singing the opening number for day 2 of the 3 day throwdown.
Brother Brown addressed the quiet stadium after a prayer and read a scripture about faithful youths. I was given my cue and stepped on stage. The spotlight was bright. My freshly polished JC Penny loafers shined brightly and my hair was gelled into a perfect quaff. I debated my mom daily over whether to wear the tie pin or the tie chain. The chain won and it mimicked my humble smile. The moment seemed to last forever. It was the pinnacle of my spiritual career.
After some introductory comments and a brief run through my spiritual resume, Brother Brown asked me how I had defended my faith at school. I flashed my teeth in a gracious beam and began to speak. My voice boomed throughout the room and I noticed a microphone delay. I would have to annunciate clearly so that everyone could hang on my words. Then I began to lie. I lied about interrupting my European history teacher as he was recounting early Christianity and I derided the farce of the Trinity introduced by the early Catholics. I lied about grabbing my Bible from my Eastpack holster and sharing scores of scriptures with my class, disproving the false thesis of the Holy Threesome. I lied about spiritually moving classmates who were searching for the truth. I said that the worldly 9th graders ravenously approached me to learn more about the bible and how they could live by its principles. I boldly fabricated that I placed dozens of Watchtower magazines with 14 year-olds who were conscious of their spiritual need. Furthermore, I gave credit to almighty God Jehovah for the strength to stand up to my history teacher and preach the truth about Jesus Christ. The audience burst into applause and I spent my lunch break receiving hugs and thanks for my encouraging example as an outstanding Jehovah's Witness.
My lie was fucking fabulous. I looked amazing and the story won the hearts of many. I gave those poor suckers every line that they wanted. From that moment on, I knew that come hell or high water, I would always have a career in persuasion or hedge fund management.
