Thursday, September 28, 2006

i just came from the alamo and it SUCKED.


i was in san antonio yesterday for a couple of meetings and i had a little bit of downtime in the afternoon. what is one to do in san antonio when they have free time? visit the alamo, of course! it was disappointing to say the least. i was expecting someone dressed as davie crockett to tour me around the grounds, but to no avail. the best part of the experience what when i sent out a text message to about 10 of my friends declaring my journey to the home of texan independence. here are the responses:

Kipp: Remember the Alamo! Did you send that email to Jimmy?

Steph: OMG.

Travis: Nice! Now you'll see how inaccurate PeeWee's Big Adventure was!

Amy: HA! Remember to ask where the basement is. It's pathetic that I see the word 'alamo' and the first think I think of is Pee Wee's Big Adventure.

Tim: Oh sweet! My fave dinner spot is cappy chino's up broadway in alamo heights. It's a wine bar/rest. with good kobe burgers. The gay area is hood gay.

Katie: Yay pee wee's big adventure! Can y'all say adobe?

Jon: Take pictures!

Lauren: What's the alamo? Do they have shopping?

Friday, September 22, 2006

cruel and unusual punishment


i am addicted to chapstick. i have chapsticks scattered in various locations all over my house. i have at least 3 packed in my suitcase for business trips to potentially arid locations. there is a chapstick in every jacket i own. there is a chapstick in the console, trunk, and glove compartment of my car. give me moist lips or give me death. my body needs it like it needs water. the stupid government has banned carrying chapstick on planes because it's kinda, sorta like a "liquid". this is an extremely difficult rule to abide by when you travel every week for work and you're addicted to lip-balm. yesterday i flew from dallas to boston with a 2 hour layover in chicago, which means i was in an airport/airplane for approximately 8 hours of my day. do you understand what kind of trauma my lips were enduring? 5 minutes before boarding my flight from chicago to boston, i ran to the closest drug kiosk and bought a 3-pack. i ripped open the packaging like a junkie and smeared the sweet, greasy substance all over my mouth area. god, it was better than sex. it was like i'd been walking through the sahara for days and finally stumbled upon an oasis. it was like i had been at barney's after christmas sale all day without my credit cards and found $1,000 cash in a marc jacobs loafer. nobody caught me. nobody frisked me looking for "gel-like" substances, so i'm just going to keep a chapstick handy until they figure out my rouse. if i have to travel with dry lips, then the terrorists have truly won.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

vacation retardation

yeah. we went to provincetown back in august and essie finally downloaded the pictures from our camera. we had a balls-out good time. click on the flickr link to the right to see more.

Monday, September 18, 2006

knuckle down


spending excessive amounts of time watching CNN in marriotts around the country will fuck you up, man. i keep thinking how we'll look back 50 years from now and see iraq and the bush administration as the blunder that it truly is. i just hope that my kids won't have to flee to Saskatchewan to avoid the terror mongering instigated by dubya and his cronies. so, pontificating while in that general vein of bad news hovering over my head like a swarm of mosquitoes in the Louisiana bayou, i transcribed this ani-outtake from a live cd of hers:

"i've begun to think of peace as just a product of balance. you know, it's natures, it's written all over the world. the real one...that takes over when that high pitched tv tone goes away. i had the incredible fortune to go to hiroshima, japan recently and went to the museum there and just cried and cried and cried... the mayor of hiroshima sends a letter every time there's a nuclear test and some weapon is blasted off somewhere...he sends a letter going, 'you know, take it from me...' but all the way through the museum there was just one thing i saw missing in all the governments that make war: fundamentally out of balance. men, while being quite cunning and real good at making a lot of really cool shit, just can't do it on their own. it's not natural."

Sunday, September 10, 2006

9/11 orgy

in the wake of the worst attack on american soil, the media is jerking off all over itself in the form of tv specials, a presidential visit to ground zero, hollywood portrayals, and real-time footage of planes crashing into the world trade center. i can't help but think that "our lessons are still hanging in the air"; what else will it take to wake us up? my favorite little folksinger puts it best:

yes,
us people are just poems
we're 90% metaphor
with a leanness of meaning
approaching hyper-distillation
and once upon a time
we were moonshine
rushing down the throat of a giraffe
yes, rushing down the long hallway
despite what the p.a. announcement says
yes, rushing down the long stairs
with the whiskey of eternity
fermented and distilled
to eighteen minutes
burning down our throats
down the hall
down the stairs
in a building so tall
that it will always be there
yes, it's part of a pair
there on the bow of noah's ark
the most prestigious couple
just kickin back parked
against a perfectly blue sky
on a morning beatific
in its indian summer breeze
on the day that america
fell to its knees
after strutting around for a century
without saying thank you
or please

and the shock was subsonic
and the smoke was deafening
between the setup and the punch line
cuz we were all on time for work that day
we all boarded that plane for to fly
and then while the fires were raging
we all climbed up on the windowsill
and then we all held hands
and jumped into the sky

and every borough looked up when it heard the first blast
and then every dumb action movie was summarily surpassed
and the exodus uptown by foot and motorcar
looked more like war than anything i've seen so far
so far
so far
so fierce and ingenious
a poetic specter so far gone
that every jackass newscaster was struck dumb and stumbling
over 'oh my god' and 'this is unbelievable' and on and on
and i'll tell you what, while we're at it
you can keep the pentagon
keep the propaganda
keep each and every tv
that's been trying to convince me
to participate
in some prep school punk's plan to perpetuate retribution
perpetuate retribution
even as the blue toxic smoke of our lesson in retribution
is still hanging in the air
and there's ash on our shoes
and there's ash in our hair
and there's a fine silt on every mantle
from hell's kitchen to brooklyn
and the streets are full of stories
sudden twists and near misses
and soon every open bar is crammed to the rafters
with tales of narrowly averted disasters
and the whiskey is flowin
like never before
as all over the country
folks just shake their heads
and pour

so here's a toast to all the folks who live in palestine
afghanistan
iraq

el salvador

here's a toast to the folks living on the pine ridge reservation
under the stone cold gaze of mt. rushmore

here's a toast to all those nurses and doctors
who daily provide women with a choice
who stand down a threat the size of oklahoma city
just to listen to a young woman's voice

here's a toast to all the folks on death row right now
awaiting the executioner's guillotine
who are shackled there with dread and can only escape into their heads
to find peace in the form of a dream

cuz take away our playstations
and we are a third world nation
under the thumb of some blue blood royal son
who stole the oval office and that phony election
i mean
it don't take a weatherman
to look around and see the weather
jeb said he'd deliver florida, folks
and boy did he ever

and we hold these truths to be self evident:
#1 george w. bush is not president
#2 america is not a true democracy
#3 the media is not fooling me
cuz i am a poem heeding hyper-distillation
i've got no room for a lie so verbose
i'm looking out over my whole human family
and i'm raising my glass in a toast

here's to our last drink of fossil fuels
let us vow to get off of this sauce
shoo away the swarms of commuter planes
and find that train ticket we lost
cuz once upon a time the line followed the river
and peeked into all the backyards
and the laundry was waving
the graffiti was teasing us
from brick walls and bridges
we were rolling over ridges
through valleys
under stars
i dream of touring like duke ellington
in my own railroad car
i dream of waiting on the tall blonde wooden benches
in a grand station aglow with grace
and then standing out on the platform
and feeling the air on my face

give back the night its distant whistle
give the darkness back its soul
give the big oil companies the finger finally
and relearn how to rock-n-roll
yes, the lessons are all around us and a change is waiting there
so it's time to pick through the rubble, clean the streets
and clear the air
get our government to pull its big dick out of the sand
of someone else's desert
put it back in its pants
and quit the hypocritical chants of
freedom forever

cuz when one lone phone rang
in two thousand and one
at ten after nine
on nine one one
which is the number we all called
when that lone phone rang right off the wall
right off our desk and down the long hall
down the long stairs
in a building so tall
that the whole world turned
just to watch it fall


and while we're at it
remember the first time around?
the bomb?
the ryder truck?
the parking garage?
the princess that didn't even feel the pea?
remember joking around in our apartment on avenue D?

can you imagine how many paper coffee cups would have to change their design
following a fantastical reversal of the new york skyline?!

it was a joke, of course
it was a joke
at the time
and that was just a few years ago
so let the record show
that the FBI was all over that case
that the plot was obvious and in everybody's face
and scoping that scene
religiously
the CIA
or is it KGB?
committing countless crimes against humanity
with this kind of eventuality
as its excuse
for abuse after expensive abuse
and it didn't have a clue
look, another window to see through
way up here
on the 104th floor
look
another key
another door
10% literal
90% metaphor
3000 some poems disguised as people
on an almost too perfect day
should be more than pawns
in some asshole's passion play
so now it's your job
and it's my job
to make it that way
to make sure they didn't die in vain
sshhhhhh....
baby listen
hear the train?

© 2001 ani difranco / righteous babe music

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

trading predatory conservative journalism for trannies

seriously. why not? i spend too much time in my hotel room watching CNN and it's really wearing me out. if i hear one more loud spoken, honey-glazed, tub of bacon grease republican label all democrats as unpatriotic socialists, i'm going to poop on nancy grace's chest. maybe i could just kidnap her and swap her out for ladybunny. i mean, they pretty much look the same, and lady bunny would really shake things up. go ahead, tell me which one is cnn's nancy grace and which is the drag queen...





believe me, nancy won't be missed.