carrie bradshaw is a douchebag

i admit it, i'm a homo who watches (watched) sex & the city. all the sexual one liners, miranda's sarcasm, samantha's unabashed promiscuity, charlotte's conservative prissiness, what's not to like? i'll tell you: carrie fucking bradshaw. she is the most self-absorbed, entitled cunt on modern day television.

carrie bradshaw is the personification of why i hate women in america. she spends all of her time trying to find a guy who will worship her and revolve his world around her shoe fetish. every fight she gets into with mr. big centers around the fact that he will not come to her every beck and call. regardless of her selfish disposition, she lets loose like a fucking 5 year-old every time they get into a fight. mr. big, who usually tries to talk through an issue reasonably, is always painted as the bad guy when carrie is just being an obnoxious bitch. hey carrie, maybe your boyfriend would treat you a little better if you didn't fly off the handle whenever he accidentally looks in the wrong direction.

how bout the end of the series when she's with the russian? she gives up her career and identity be a lady of leisure and chase around her sugar daddy in france. even worse, she gets bored after 2 weeks in paris because he won't pay enough attention to her, goes back to new york, and ends up with the dude she's been complaining about for the past 5 fucking years.

carrie bradshaw has bred a generation of women to believe that their men should allow them to act like assholes or face the consequences. women should be allowed to spend $40,000 on shoes. they should be allowed to give up their careers to shop all day and sit on their asses. carrie is a placid, soulless character who sets a dangerous, however accurate, precedent for young women. go outside and stop a 20 or 30 something female and ask her which sex and the city character she thinks she is. my money is on carrie cuntface bradshaw. what happened to feminism? what happened to compromise in relationships? what happened to valuing your content of character?

"The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."

fabulous? fuck you, carrie. i hope someone stabs you in the face with the heel of one of your manolos then burns your skin with your own lit cigarette. get a personality and a real job.

willpower is just a flush away

i've never had a super-hot body. there have been times in my life when i was definitely overweight, other times i've been slim and tone, but never "hot bod" quality. i'm 6'3", wear a 36 inch waist pant and weigh around 205-- not grotesque by any means. needless to say, i fight my fat genes, handed down from my snailishly slow metabolized ancestors, on a daily basis. i work out like a fucking horse, otherwise i would be a bonafide lard-ass. i know people who work out less than me, are in much worse cardiovascular shape, and eat more than me and they still look better topless than i do. life isn't fair. someone throw a pity party.

unfortunately, i chose a career that puts me on the road about 48 weeks per year to distant, exotic cities such as kansas city and dallas. i would argue that many midwest/southwest cities are not hallmarks of healthy living so it's a constant struggle to find the local whole foods and to make good decisions when its time to put on my eatin' dress. when i find an organic grocer, i eject myself onto the salad bar like a hooker throwing her dead baby into a dumpster behind red lobster.

while generally, i find ways to make good choices on the road, i feel like the hospitality industry is damming me to a life of obesity. let me explain: i have platinum status at marriott hotels which means they have to let me fuck them in the ass when ever i feel pissed off. that being said, they kiss my ass from the moment i check in. said check in ass kiss usually involves some sort of gift bag that always includes a bag of milano cookies, oreos, salted honey fat-girl peanuts, etc, etc.

there was a time, not too long ago, when i would succumb to the high-calorie snacks in the check-in bag or just leave them on the nightstand (only to be ravaged during a late-night feeding frenzy). over the past 3 months or so, i've been attempting diligently to get "hot", so i've come up with a solution:

flushing cookies down the toilet.

i got sick of watching them glare at me from across the bed. i can't handle the temptation, so now i take my weakness into my own hands. seriously, if i could procure 1 piece of advice for obese americans everywhere it would be: flush your snacks. it's such a satisfying act. it's quick, aggressive, guilt free. i mean let's face it, no one wants a fat friend.

straight guys are so gay

i'm at the kansas city ariport where i just finished my chicken sandwich and 3 bud lights to help me deal with the fact that my flight is majorly delayed. the story of my life.

in any case, some douchebag sits next to me at the bar as i'm pounding 16 oz. buds and orders a chef salad and a BBQ sandwich with NO BREAD and a side of "what-can-i-get-instead-of-fries", oh, and also "a club soda". he's about 38, has too much product in his hair, carries a tumi computer bag, and is wearing a striped shirt.

i immediately fight the urge to say "fuck you, you fucking pussy. enjoy not being a man while eating your chef salad with your side of air and ice cubes". instead, i focus on the complex mathematical equation of 20% gratuity on my $20 bar tab.

when did straight guys become so gay? i mean, i get it: you're healthy. you eat salad and drink water and you wax and primp more than fucking tammy faye baker (may she rest in peace).

what annoys me most is that people expect that, as a gay man, i should look/act/order the same shit. fags are the new straight men. we like pizza and beer. we wipe our noses on our t-shirts. we go to baseball games and say rude shit to your girlfriend. some of us can fix our own cars. most importantly, we kick the shit out of bitchy straight dudes who are on 1500 calorie diets.

i wanted to hold this dude's head over a plate of cheese fries and scream, "eat the carbs, you fucking faggot!"

now excuse me while i act straight and head to starbucks for a triple non-fat cappuccino and slowly page through the new martha stewart living.

if it looks like a duck, if it quacks like a duck...

i'm a little bitter at the christians today, possibly a bit of recent PTSD. in any case, quoting americablog: "Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays (PFOX) believes that it can 'help people with unwanted same-sex attractions (SSA) realize their personal goals for change -- whether by developing their innate heterosexual potential or by embracing a lifestyle as a single, non-sexually active man or woman."'

the organization i used to belong to used to try to play these jedi-mind tricks on us young homos too. they give you the option of either searching out your internal capacity for heterosexuality (i tried and failed miserably) or just acceptance that you can never have sex. ever. with anyone.

the "internal conversion" bullshit is fallacious (what? who said "fellatio"?) and is dismissed by the american psychiatric association. the fatally flawed reasoning behind the latter "non-sexual" option does not take into consideration that even if an individual agrees to avoid homo sex for their entire lives, they still have the natural desire to mate with another human being. whether or not i decide to hump men, i still want to share my life with a partner, grow old together, buy some children, plant perennials, etc. the churchy people cannot get this through their thick skulls. i used to hate when my identity would be watered down to a "lifestyle decision". i live a gay lifestyle whether or not i suck dick. i'm a gay person. you cannot separate the two.

how do you categorize a gay christian who chooses to be non-sexual? are they straight? no, but the church will not acknowledge their gayness either. not only are these people marginalized in society at large but they are marginalized within the very church walls that are supposed to be their salvation. i know people who have chosen this route and apparently can justify their decision within themselves. i just hope they don't get eaten alive with self-hatred and depression along the way. doesn't sound like a healthy christian "lifestyle" to me.

when i came out to my mom at 17, she called her best friend who told her that i was "just like job" and that we would come out of this "test" with God's blessing. if leprosy is anything like getting a handjob by a hot spanish exchange student in the back of my mom's minivan, then sign me up!

obviously, the main reason i left the church is because i could not reconcile a dichotomous life. i couldn't stop grinding my teeth and biting my fist at church, holding back the urge to run up the aisle and punching the shit out of the minister. i couldn't let some moron who knows nothing about me to define my identity based loosely on a couple of ancient scriptures. to all the fundamentalists and non-sexuals who deny their gayness: if it looks like a duck, if it quacks like a duck, it's a duck no matter if it fucks other ducks or not. know what i'm saying?

jesus is magic

starbucks. 9:30 am, central time. overland park, kansas. steph and i are emailing back and forth about new t-shirts. in walks hot 19 year-old, corn-fed meat-sicle. he sits down to my left with a middle aged gentleman. they start chatting about some jesus camps around kansas. the meat-sicle wears a t-shirt that reads "god is our refuge and our strength". it is the same color combo as motto apparel's living the dream shirt.

my ears perk after overhearing, "i know that god is leading me everywhere". i chortle but try to hold it in, in turn shooting foam from my grande non-fat cappuccino out of my nose and across the room. (THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!)

i immediately email steph the circumstances. her reply:

“oh I totally know what you mean – this one time, God led me to this prostitute and we fucked and did coke all night and I think he gave me herpes.”

my reply:

"one time god led me to this pair of loafers at barney's. they were $300 and not on sale but it didn't matter because god wanted me to have them. i was like, 'let's get em! praise the lord!'"

meat-sicle says, "you've been in my prayers."

i look over, naively hoping he was talking to me but to no avail.

older christian says, "did you hear about that bridge collapse? a whole school bus full of children fell off the bridge and survived. what a miracle!"

um....what about everyone else who died? was god too exhausted from saving all those school children to save everyone else? did he have to run to the bathroom? maybe he was watching oprah and got distracted? oh wait, he must have had to jog over to darfur to save some africans. oh wait...no, god doesn't stop genocide, he just saves school buses full of pretty, white american children.

why don't people use their power of reason? it makes momma cry. i think it makes jesus cry too.