i used to talk a lot of shit about ellen because her talk show glosses over her gay identity. i attributed her lack of "gayness" to her network contract, basically selling out in order to make her show more palatable to the ignorant masses. i take it back after watching this clip.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
the sexiest rental car ever
i often joke about the unattractive, mid-size sedan-ness of the rental cars i get when i travel on business. this week i have some ford station wagon suv thingy with like 10 seats in the back. i have to say, it really impresses the clients when i roll up in that big hunk of detriot abortion. much to my amusement, as i was walking up to the car after a meeting, i noticed the first 3 letters of my license plate. couldn't have said it better myself.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
please board according to your group number or i will fuck you up
i travel every week. i'm at the airport around 6am on monday morning, headed to some god forsaken mid-western state. i have check-in and airport security down to a science.
i'm willing to accept that i travel much more than the average person and i like to think that i am patient with those who may fumble at the check-in kiosk or who forget to take off their earrings at security. i never bother the attendant at the gate unless i have a real problem. i realize that they will make an announcement if there has been a delay, if there is room available for upgrades, etc.
there is one aspect of travel, however, that infuriates me every fucking week: the boarding line. everyone hovers over the gate as if it's a fucking race to get on the plane. i don't know about you, but i'm not in any rush to schlep onto a 25 year-old tin can so that i can fold myself up like a fucking oragami swan, crammed between 2 800 pound, disease infested management "consultants" who don't understand the meaning of "please turn off all cell phones and electronic devices".
american airlines boards by group number which is printed in large font on every boarding pass. the directions are simple: enter the boarding line when your group is called. they don't say, "breathe down the neck of" and "step on the heels of the person in front of you because the plane might leave without your fat, ignorant ass". you'd think the baby jesus himself were on the other side of that gate handing out hundred dollar bills by the way people dart towards the entrance.
i have platinum status with american so i always get to board with the first class people, and many times get a first-class upgrade. there were 4 (count 4!) people in line this week who were in groups 3 and 4 who jumped the line. i LOVE when the attendant sends them out of queue and gives them a nasty glare. "you have to wait" may be my favorite phrase in the english language. i'm usually parked in a seat until they call the "platinum members" which is when i elbow and push my way through the flock of sheep to hand over my boarding pass, turn back around to the crowd, toss my hair, and waive coyly at all the assholes waiting to dump themselves like a week old turd into their rickety coach seats.
why can't americans learn the virtue of patience?
i'm making it my personal mission to bitchslap the sense of entitlement out of people until we can all organize ourselves in a waiting line like grown-ups. the plane will not leave without you, although i wish it would. back the fuck up!
p.s. the bathroom in the front is for first-class ONLY so go do the pee pee dance in the back where i don't have to look at your ancient, sagging grandma ass.
i'm willing to accept that i travel much more than the average person and i like to think that i am patient with those who may fumble at the check-in kiosk or who forget to take off their earrings at security. i never bother the attendant at the gate unless i have a real problem. i realize that they will make an announcement if there has been a delay, if there is room available for upgrades, etc.
there is one aspect of travel, however, that infuriates me every fucking week: the boarding line. everyone hovers over the gate as if it's a fucking race to get on the plane. i don't know about you, but i'm not in any rush to schlep onto a 25 year-old tin can so that i can fold myself up like a fucking oragami swan, crammed between 2 800 pound, disease infested management "consultants" who don't understand the meaning of "please turn off all cell phones and electronic devices".
american airlines boards by group number which is printed in large font on every boarding pass. the directions are simple: enter the boarding line when your group is called. they don't say, "breathe down the neck of" and "step on the heels of the person in front of you because the plane might leave without your fat, ignorant ass". you'd think the baby jesus himself were on the other side of that gate handing out hundred dollar bills by the way people dart towards the entrance.
i have platinum status with american so i always get to board with the first class people, and many times get a first-class upgrade. there were 4 (count 4!) people in line this week who were in groups 3 and 4 who jumped the line. i LOVE when the attendant sends them out of queue and gives them a nasty glare. "you have to wait" may be my favorite phrase in the english language. i'm usually parked in a seat until they call the "platinum members" which is when i elbow and push my way through the flock of sheep to hand over my boarding pass, turn back around to the crowd, toss my hair, and waive coyly at all the assholes waiting to dump themselves like a week old turd into their rickety coach seats.
why can't americans learn the virtue of patience?
i'm making it my personal mission to bitchslap the sense of entitlement out of people until we can all organize ourselves in a waiting line like grown-ups. the plane will not leave without you, although i wish it would. back the fuck up!
p.s. the bathroom in the front is for first-class ONLY so go do the pee pee dance in the back where i don't have to look at your ancient, sagging grandma ass.
Friday, January 05, 2007
Monday, January 01, 2007
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