Thursday, December 22, 2005

the gay gene exsists. here's your proof:


circusgirl: Have you ever had the ratatouille provencale from Trader Joe's?

andalusian: I make my own. It's probably decent. Do you like ratatouille? It's good with a little chevre on top.

circusgirl: LOL – ok so I’d never heard of it and I bought it and I was microwaving it reading the ingredients to see what I’d bought and one of the cute gay men from Publicity walks by and goes, “Oh Ratatouille, I make my own” and I said, “What is it anyway” and he’s like, “You’ve never had Rattouille??”….do you guys all go to the same secret meetings?

andalusian: I think it's the gay gene.

circusgirl: Seriously. Then the girl I work with walks by and she’s like, “what’s that?” why don’t the straight people know?

comic strip about me via anne


Tuesday, December 20, 2005

boredom becomes me


god, i'm freaking bored. work is dead, market is struggling, i've been on every website on the internet. somebody give me some friggin' inspiration.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

more triplegrandenowhipnonfat commentary


more starbucks talk, sorry. i don't really know what to make of the 300lb+ ladies, or men for that matter, who are ordering venti mochas or frappuccinos at 8:00am. i feel like i'd be doing them a disservice by not tapping them on the shoulder and saying, "hi. excuse me, i don't mean to interrupt your morning routine but did you know that drink has 650 calories in it? ...and well, let's not fool ourselves, you really should be watching what you eat. let's trade that in for a nice hot green tea, shall we?" isn't that what a good citizen should do? shouldn't we watch out for the well-being of our fellow consumers? in fact, one day i was putting non-fat milk into my grande mild roast when this heifer rolled up to the counter and hip-checked me out of the way like there was a stash of secret pies behind the napkin dispenser. "grrrrr there's no half and half", she grunted. i replied concernedly, "maybe someone's trying to tell you something", and left.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

vive el rio


essie and i finally have our plane tickets and accommodations set for our trip to brazil in february. i am fucking pumped! can't wait to accost all the young, brown pool boys. grrrr.

Monday, December 12, 2005

shut up, just shut up, shut up


i start every phone call at work with "shut up. i hate you." and THEN i pick up the receiver. one day my hand is going to work faster than my mouth and i'm going to get into trouble.

gobbletta buys a house


...a gingerbread house, that is.

*calls bakery* "um, hi. do you make gingerbread houses? [pause] oh great! do they have edibility?"

Thursday, December 08, 2005

will the real ann coulter please sit down?


ok, i'm definitely a tree-hugging democrat on most issues. i don't make the blanket assumption that all conservatives are evil/homophobic/racist/etc. i'm always up for a bi-partisan debate on economics, welfare, human rights, whatever. ann coulter, on the other hand, is a neo-conservative, ignorant bitch. she is one of the few that i will gladly hate on at any given moment. in fact, the students of UConn have done just that. she had to cut her guest speech at the university short due to incessant jeering yesterday. sweet. although not as sweet as the pie throwing incident at the university of arizona in 2004 (see photo, courtesy al-pieda).

make the yuletide GAY


god, i love christmas. Who's in for this year's santa speedo run? it's for a good cause...really.

ventiNOwhipNOfoamEXTRAhotNONfatCHAIlatte


*i hate people who order drinks like that.

**futures are down this morning but it looks like i'll make a little cash in TXN anyway due to their strong YE forcast.

***i started getting a venti cappuccino at SBUX instead of a grande non-fat latte. it only has 130 calories vs. 210 in the latte...AND the cappuccino has more caffeine. when was the last time you heard news that fantastic!?!

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

dreaming of pork products


*i've been trying to eat really well lately, but i miss my old diet which consisted of eating everything in sight. i had a dream last night that i lived in a castle made of bacon.
**our part-time receptionist lady is so classy. i always see her heating up her chef boyardee lunches in the break room. i wish i could pull off stirrup pants as well as she can! sigh.

large cap growth vs. sexual identity crisis


"Transamerican Investment Management, LLC, is a new identity for an established business--a full-service asset manager with a 35-year history of strong results."
-www.transamerica.com

not to be confused with...


Felicity Huffmans new identity as "A pre-operative male-to-female transsexual takes an unexpected journey when she learns that she fathered a son, now a teenage runaway hustling on the streets of New York". (IMDB)

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

who's got the funk?


*it smells like sloppy joes in here. gross.
**i have 2 zits on my face. i never get zits. yesterday my pants were short and i thought i was growing. i think i'm hitting puberty #2.
***the market is having a nice little rebound today after a selloff yesterday. i'm expecting a choppy couple of weeks with a nice finish to the month. i'm staying long large core companies due to speculative forecasts from the bulls and the bears for 2006. holding on to SBUX, ABT, TGT, WB, SPLS, and TXN.

saddam: thespian-at-large



i think mel brooks should write a musical revolving around the events of saddam heussein's trial. i mean, he's so theatrical, he's just a natural! i feel like these are stills from the producers. he should cast someone really hateable for his role...someone like charlie sheen.

makes you think...



relevant to so many aspects of life.

Monday, December 05, 2005

scotch flavored water



*i was hanging out with essie, steph, and jon on friday and after my 5th johnny walker i thought to myself, "i wish water tasted as good as scotch. there should be scotch flavored water. i'd drink it at the gym." is that weird?

**i think the pants i have on are shorter than usual. can your legs still grow at age 24? do you think anything else will keep growing?

***in other news, i love when reps call in because they keep screwing up their password to get into our site. all of the repcodes/passwords are case sensitive and in CAPS e.g. repcode: JSMITH password: A5SF2. people will call in to complain about their repcode not working. i'll ask if they used caps, they'll say yes and demand that i reset their password. i'll try logging in as them and it will work just fine but they insist something is wrong on their end. our websites will never lock you out and i don't have the authority to reassign passwords so i sit there and pretend i'm resetting their info. "just one moment sir...(clickitty click click)...let me... (click...browses sale items at bananarepublic.com...click)..just reset this here... (click...checks horoscope...click)...and you should be all...(click)...set. try it now". rep enters same repcode/password, "oh, it worked! wow, you've been such a great help!". "thanks sir, i aim to please". freaking morons. it's all about manipulating perception.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

mama, don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys


don't let them pick guitars and drive in old trucks//make 'em be doctors and lawyers and such//mamas don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys//they'll never stay home and they're always alone//even with someone they love -willie nelson

i was in a movie theatre the other day and a preview for brokeback mountain came on. it started subtly then there was a shot of heath and jake cuddling and almost everyone in the audience started giggling. i laughed too, i suppose it was the peer pressure.

why are man on man relationships still so funny to everyone? i suppose it makes people a little uncomfortable when they're "forced" to see two men involved in public displays of affection. i mean, i would expect reactions like that from an alabama movie theatre or something, but i was in downtown boston where us homos are getting married left and right. why can't the general public find legitimacy in gay male relationships?

are we (gay men) the modern day black minstrel? our exposure in the mainstream media consists of: queer eye/will & grace/any sitcom with a gay character who is never in a remotely serious relationship let alone holding *gasp* another man's hand on-screen. don't get me wrong, i think it's great that ang lee produced this film and that it's getting such wide distribution, but it bothers me that a room full of (presumed) young liberals'/boston college students' gut reaction would be one of laughter. perhaps the audience would've taken it more seriously had it been cast with actual gay actors.

whatever. i'm still going to see it, if only to see heath and jake make out on the big screen. if anyone laughs at me when i marry my boyfriend, i'm going to kick their ass.

Happy World AIDS Day!


"When God gives you AIDS, and God does give you AIDS, make lemon-AIDS." -sarah silverman

"boys, boys, all types of boys"


"black, white, puerto rican, chinese boys." -missy

they're everywhere today! i almost got trampled at starbucks. yum.

so, um, yeah, like, what?


"i've been leaving words out of my emails lately and they don't make any sense. i guess i have some kind of learning disablement." -gobletta

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

ode to gobletta/new girl @work


shut up!
shut up!
shut up!
i'm sick of hearing your turkey voice.
your stupid, white-trash, south-shore accent
is slowly driving me to drink.
"what are mutual fund expenses?"
you just asked me that same question yesterday,
there's nothing more i can do to help.
you just talk louder when you don't know the answer.
just because you are loud does not mean you are right.
i do not want to hear about how you slept with your old boss at your last job.
your shoes are pointy but not in a cool or european way.
do not hover over my shoulder because i will punch you in the face.
no, i will never be your gay best friend.
shut up!
shut up!
shut up!
i hate you.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

"i know you got more tears to share babe"



"so come on, come on, come on and cry, cry baby" -janis joplin

reps have been calling into our sales line all morning complaining that they've been holding for a long time for customer service. they get mad at me because i can't help them.

me: sir, i create investment proposals, i can't help you with your distribution request.

rep: BUT I'VE BEEN WAITING ON HOLD FOR 20 MINUTES!

it's like going to london and looking for a wal-mart. you can kick and scream at every person you meet, demanding they tell you where wal-mart is but there is no wal-mart in london. you can threaten people, you can throw a tantrum, but no matter how loud you whine, you just can't have it. i can't help you.

i'm sorry you have to sit on hold. is this a new concept for people? i have to sit on hold for airlines, for my credit card company, my electric company, gas company, cable company, bank, cell phone company, computer support, furniture delivery service, e*trade support, my gym, the DMV, the dentist's office, the doctor's office. i have to wait in line at starbucks, au bon pain, the grocery store, the subway turnstyle, the on ramp to the highway, the drug store, the music store, etc. you can cry and bitch but you still have to wait like everyone else for every goddamm service in america.

here's a poem i wrote in honor of today:

wait, wait, wait
you just have to wait
it may not be great but you still have to wait!
don't playa hate
cuz we all hafta wait
i know it gets old when you're sitting on hold,
but it doesn't give you the right to be cold!
you may want to whine when you're standing on line,
but your situation isn't any different than mine!
sometimes when you dial it may take a while,
but don't forget to say thank you with a smile!
you may get blue when your sitting in the queue,
but i think you should go fuck yourself!

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

gay-be-gone


"The Vatican says homosexuals who are sexually active or support "gay culture" are unwelcome in the priesthood unless they have overcome their homosexual tendencies for at least three years, according to a church document posted on the Internet by an Italian Catholic news agency." -Associated Press

right. so, three years is the magic number? three years and you're cured? by what process did the vatican arrive to the conclusion that after 3 years you become a non-practicing gay(or NPG, as it were)? did the virgin mary come up with this number? baby jesus? does the same rule apply for heterosexuals? if you don't have sex for 3 years, are you no longer a heterosexual? or is it more like your virginity growing back?

"Vatican teaching also holds that homosexuals are 'intrinsically disordered.' The church, however, says gays and lesbians should be treated with compassion and dignity."

ok. in other words, "we think you guys are a bunch of retards but we're not going whoop your asses anymore. we're just going to judge you quietly, behind your back because that's the christian way."

amen. fuck you and your white polyester gowns. what gay man wants to wear that synthetic shit anyway?

Monday, November 21, 2005

hedging hustler


i saw some new account paperwork today that asked us to restric tobacco, alcohol, and pornography when buying stocks for the client. this always makes me laugh. what about international oil conglomerates that feed terrorism and perpetuate our reliance on fossil fuels? "oh sure! load up my portfolio. praise the king of heaven!"

gobbeletta strikes again

"so are the tax sensative models just filled with funds that take tax sensativity into account?"

gobble gobble


there's a new girl at work. i've been trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, but alas. she's not picking up our products very fast. she gets flustered when on the phone with brokers. she's a little flaky and self-centered. she uses pet names for everyone. she's also on personal phone calls frequently and she doesn't lower her volume which means the rest of us have to hear every painful moronic detail from her life inside and outside of work. here's a quick sample:

"totally. you're the best! when i don't want to kill myself, i totally luv ya! how was your weekend? i'm totally having a panic attack! i'm so skinny. i hope my nerves will make me skinnier! i love myself, even when i am having a panic attack! why doesn't he luv me? i am so wondaful. i mean, i am such a good catch. oh my god, what the f*ck, this f*cking rep, i don't f*cking understand. should i eat? oh my god, hun, youwah such a sweetie!"

she actually sounds a lot like a turkey (maybe i just have thanksgiving on the brain). imagine sneaking up behind a 25lb turkey and kicking it, as hard as you physically can, square in the asshole. that sound is what she sounds like when she speaks. i think i'll call her gobbeletta.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

i have a dream


that one day someone at starbucks will give me an iced vannilla **vodka** latte when i pick up my coffee in the morning.

big girls don't cry


there is something so satisfying about seeing dakota fanning in tears(courtesy stephan horbelt) . i've been wanting to smack that obnoxious bitch since "i am sam". i feel in my heart, that on some cosmic level, karma has brought the universe into balance.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

i know who you did last summer


i have these doctor friends, kevin and chris, who happen to be friends with my actual doctor. i only recently discovered this. sometimes he hangs out with us in groups and it's weird to me. like, real weird.

chris' birthday is this weekend and kevin is throwing a surprise karaoke party for him. it should be fun with the exception of the awkward conversation i'm bound to have with my primary care physician. what do you say? i mean, it's like, "hey! remember when i told you my entire sexual history and then you checked my prostate!? let's sing something by stevie wonder." it'll be great.

Monday, November 14, 2005

where's the beef?


shut up mainstream, sensationalist media! people are freaking out about the trade deficit and are fearful that other nations are going to quit buying our treasuries, thereby sending our economy to the crapper.

check out the current 10-yr bond yields:
Japan: 1.54%
UK: 4.45% (inverted yield curve, you get more juice on the short end)
Germany: 3.5%
United States: 4.56%

basically, other nations like our treasuries because they can't get this kind of yield at such a low risk ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE WORLD (i.e., whose government-backed debt would you trust more if you were japan? brazil? or the united states? i thought so). as long as the fed lays off on raising interest rates, we should be in good shape for some time; it would also help the trade deficit if dubya would stop spending like a democrat but that's another post.

other nations are going to keep buying our debt because they're getting more bang for their buck. in fact, greenspan's successor could achieve celebrity status if he loosens the policy before we see a situation like the inverted yield curve in the UK. our economy will be in good shape as long as consumer spending remains steady, inflation is under control, and energy stays relatively tame.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

"everyone's an actor or an actor's best friend..."


...what was wrong to begin with that they should all have to pretend? -ani difranco

*people ask my why i'm so into mr. difranco, the simple answer is this: i was actually raised by a pack of wild lesbians. no really. i spent my formative homo years hanging around downtown northampton, massachusetts with a bunch of bearded ladies. i have a special place in my heart for overalls and purple subarus. needless to say, ani blared from their car windows at all times and they'd belt along with lines like my cunt is built like a would that won't heal.

to me, ani is like an old friend who comes to town once in a while and is like, "hey, look at what i learned from my life experience. we should try to be better people". she's kind of a genious of human nature who somehow stays completely true to her message and artform while weaving in and out of genres, ignoring the taunts of the music industry. "you can dangle your carrot//but i ain't gonna reach for it//cuz i need both my hands//to play my guitar". i kind of worship her ideals and even though i'm a corporate sellout. so, thanks all you burly noho ladies for watching my back and giving me an entree into difrancoism.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

question:


you're a wasp invitied to a jewish co-worker's newborn son's bris, what do you bring as a gift? band-aids?

Monday, November 07, 2005

now i'm dancing for my life



*while singing karioke at 4am with my neighbors saturday night, i realized that i had mis-heard the lyrics to what a feeling from the film flashdance. the correct line of the chorus is: take your passion//make it happen. since i was 6 i've been singing: take your pants off//make it happen. i always wondered why bible-toting mother would let me play that song in the house. it all makes sense now. i used to dance around the livingroom in a sweatshirt pulled off 1 shoulder.

*sweet rally in the market again. i hope we have another week of gains, i'm watching PANL right now. earnings come out tomorrow.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

dolphin safe


* i am FIRED UP about this rally in the market. i am actually crushing a redbull against my forehead right now. TXN is making a marvelous comeback.

* i hate the word "titillating", especially when describing a classroom full of science geeks at MIT.

* sometimes my pee smells like tuna.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

"all i want is god and my family"




just when you think YOU'VE got issues, jesus sends a friendly reminder via reality TV that you could be much worse off. i can't wait to see the season premiere of trading spouses where this lovely lady goes apeshit on her new family. GOD BLESS 'EM!

dude, where's my portfolio?


*2 rallies dragged down by the fed and dell.

*i'm never eating another muffin.

Friday, October 28, 2005

the scariest halloween costume ever



ok, we get it, harriet miers withdrew her nomination. CAN THE MEDIA STOP SHOWING PICTURES OF HER??!?! i'm having nightmares where she crawls out from under my bed and eats my face. seriously, she is so fucking scary! i hope dubya nominates someone else soon because i just can't live like this.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

the cool kids club


i was a really gay kid growing up. i was into things like jump rope and celebrity gossip--you know, stuff that every second grader is interested in. i remember being obsessed with the "popular girl" image in film and tv and wanted to find a way to become that person before anyone else in grade school could beat me to the punch. i did an in-depth field study at the local mall and roller rink and realized that the most popular girls had 1 thing in common: they had almost superhuman mind control over their peers. it became my mission to find away to control my fellow pupils, make my way to the top of the food chain, and exercise my manifest destiny as sunderland elementary's most popular.

i figured the best way to round up the cattle was to start an elite club. you've got to create the need, know what i'm saying? the criteria for choosing members of my group had to be those who 1) would improve my image and 2) showed promise in the areas of fashion and gossip. i created a newsletter, meant to be the first edition of many, with the hottest celebrity news and crossword puzzles made up of tiffany and debbie gibson song lyrics. needless to say, i needed a name for my club...something catchy...something that would really stand out, you know, like an acronym that would really reach out and grab you. after much pontification, i decided on "cool kids club" but "CKC" just wouldn't do. hmmm....the CCC? nope, sounds like catholic sunday school. what did i finally come up with? take a wild stab... i called it the KKK. yes, i ran around the playground trying to get kids to sign up for the KKK. i actually collected about 12 names or so, but shaneekwa and jamall jackson never spoke to me again. i guess some people can't get their priorities straight.

Friday, October 21, 2005

"we try to keep our eye on the big picture..."



"...the picture keeps getting bigger" -ani difranco

today i'm bullish on humanity and the mind blowing conincidence at the intersection of time and circumstance.

happy birthday amber.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

when the herd comes a runnin'


...get your money the f*ck out of that asset class and head for higher ground.

i'm going on such a broker rant today.

broker: um. hi. so do you guys sell reits? i just think real estate is the way to go.

me: why, yes of course! you should definitely put your client 100% into a reit manager.


yes, this too is part of the homosexual agenda.

i want the world. i want the whole world...


...i want to wrap it all up in my pocket it's my bar of chocolate. give it to me NOW!

what's with people's sense of entitlement? part of my wholesaling job is answering inbound calls in addition to selling my financial services products to my assigned territory. these inbound calls are supposed to be related to asset allocation, diversification of portfolios, tactical allocation changes and so forth. the people who call in are somewhat, at least marginally sophisticated retail brokers. every day i am amazed at the audacity of these brokers who are quick to demand that i audit their client's performance, make ridiculous exceptions, speak to their clients, etc. many times i am more than willing to show off my sales prowess but a lot of these guys think that i'm going to pull strings and jump through hoops for them. uh...hell no. as the broker, you take on responsibility to MANAGE YOUR CLIENTS' EXPECTATIONS AND BEHAVIORS. my firm just does the money management part. if you can't control your client then you should not be a broker (i've said as much in so many words as of late and gotten my head chewed off). eat or be eaten. you can't scapegoat your clients' issues on me. what makes people think that i should manage their $50k mutual fund account when i have clients to service that have $70mm with our firm? you don't deserve to get paid, i will be taking your commission this quarter. strap on a set, bitches.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

napkin of the month club


apple is coming out with the new video i-pod and who the hell cares? in america, we like watching tv on bigass screens, not little hand-held ones. i realize they're trying to stay competitive and bring new products to market but no one i know will buy this. maybe all the japanese jazz students who hang out in front of berklee music school but nobody else, i tell you, NOBODY!

futures look slightly positive this morning but investors will flip out when fuel inventory comes out and tech will take a nosedive. (how bout shorting semi-conductors?)

i have slight OCD about a few things. napkins are one example of my quirky disorder. see, well, the thing is, i love them. i fucking can't get my hands on enough napkins. i have an entire file cabinet at my desk full of napkins. i take them from everywhere and not just 1 or 2, i take stacks of them. i clean out napkin dispensers. every time i go to the au bon pain (or ooh boo poo as i like to call it) i swing by the utensil station and grab piles of them and stuff them into my "to go" bag. i use probably 8-10 of them at lunch and another 12 or so throughout the day if my hands feel soiled for one reason or another. my friend steph has taken to fedexing me piles of napkins from around the world (or at least from within the i495 belt). she writes nice little summations on the napkin quality and origin then they go in my stash. i'm not creepy like a cat lady or anything, i actually despise clutter but sometimes you just can't seem to get clean enough and napkins are my personal escape from this germ infested, disease ridden office. is that weird?

*wipes face with starbucks collection #3.1 circa june 14th, 2003, old pre-recycled design, 2 ply*

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

economy schmeconomy


my thoughts from a survey at the learning curve:

1. How do you think the economy is doing?
I think the economy is mediocre. There is some muted growth but consumer confidence is down and the market is lack luster; people are still hungover from the roaring 90's.

2. How do you think the stock market will do for the remainder of the year and into 2006?
The optimist in me says 5% for the S&P but the realist says "flat".

3. Do you think the bull market is over?
I think we're at the tail end of the bull market, '06 will be ugly for stocks (I'm hanging on to my blue chips though).

4. Do you think the real estate market is in a bubble? Has that bubble ended?
I think real estate in hot markets has plateaued. Analysts said Boston would "pop" like it did in the early 90's but it hasn't (I live there). However, Boston is a hot condo market and the units are predominantly owner-occupied, no one is buying 10 condos as rental properties like they did in '91. I think places like Florida should be worrying about housing sustainability--highly leveraged people with little experience, tunnel vision, and herd mentality have been picking up handfuls of properties in places like ft. lauderdale and tampa. I don't know if there is a viable rental market for all of these apartments.

5. What do you think about inflation? Have you noticed any inflation in things other than energy prices?
What inflation?

6. Have you made any lifestyle changes because of the rise in energy prices? Have you changed how you spend money or the kinds of activities you participate in on evenings and weekends?
I don't drive much because I live in the city so I haven't really been effected by high energy prices yet (just wait until winter rolls around). My discretionary spending hasn't changed much: movies & beer.

his and hers


essie and i bought a place together about a month ago. the junk mail that follows is hilarious. i guess he's the mrs. according to wells fargo. it's a slight ego boost for me.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

ay dios mio


looks like a slight lift in the market this morning. can we get some exuberance back please? a little year end rally? c'mon party people, fuck high energy and bogus LEIs, let's get out of this range, daddy's got a mortgage to pay! special thanks to GOLDMAN for the critique of TXN which sent it on a downward spiral yesterday.

i'm trying to load all of my cds into i-tunes and i feel like i'm going to be editing my library for the next 6 months. i've got about 500 discs and i pretty much go on a cd spree every tuesday when the new releases come out. i know, i know, i'm living in the stone ages by purchasing CD's and the entire music industry business model is archaic and evil, but i still have a religious method to buying music: buy the cd, go home, put it on, read the liner notes, pay attention to the arrangements, and judge. maybe this is the result of being a musician who was raised by a musician. i analyze what i think the artist was going for, search for influences, and try to relate to the songwriter's experiences. buying an album on i-tunes simply does not give me the same buzz. i think you lose a level of intimacy with a song when you don't look at the context of it. as a songwriter, i would want people to hear the whole collection since my themes tend to bleed together...maybe that's just me but that's how a player's got to be.

currently spinning: fiona apple, my morning jacket, franz ferdinand, ryan adams & the cold roses, fisherspooner