I must begin by thanking the women who have helped me pursue my love of cooking homosexually: The Gregarious Julia Child who taught me how to tie and season a roast while other kids were watching the Superbowl. Thanks to the diligent editing of Ruth Reichl from Gourmet Magazine (may it rest in peace now that all of those hideous pedestrian magazines have stolen its shelf space. Cooking Light? "Oh look! Another 12 recipes for dry chicken!" More like "Cooking Straight" or "Cooking With No Sense of Metaphor"). Canipes of love also go out to Sheila Lukins and Julee Rosso of Silver Palate fame. For without them the 80's would have been a completely useless decade and my drab suburban upbringing would not have been colored with Caviar Roulade and Foie Gras. Cooking Thanksgiving dinner does not have to be complicated. Straight people and their multi-national food corporations will have you think that it's perfectly fine to serve cranberry sauce from a can or make your stuffing from a box. A lesson to you all: stuffing comes from bread, not from boxes. Cranberry "sauce" does not imply to your guests that you are one who lives graciously. "We're having Cranberry chutney and herbed savory bread pudding." Doesn't that sound lovely? Many of my Thanksgiving guests spend the previous night at my house or arrive early to enjoy brunch, cocktails and witty banter. We start with a sausage and manchego strata. An Italian strata is more or less a lazy Gay's quiche. The chef de cuisine layers bread with sheep's milk manchego and crumbled andouille sausage along with caramelized onions, a handful of whatever herbs are on your kitchen windowsill. The strata can be assembled the night before and popped in the oven at 400 degrees and baked for 45 minutes or until the top is golden brown. This frees up your morning to talk with your guests about perennial gardening, 4 ply cashmere, the trade deficit, or Madonna's cheek implants. Also, throwing the strata in the oven will allow time to steam, starch, and press your white table cloth and napkins. What?Serve squares of the strata with a mixed green salad (use whatever vinaigrette comes to mind: white balsamic honey thyme, lemon garlic anchovy...you don't need ME to tell you!). Strong coffee is also necessary to keep your guests alert and postured appropriately. As your guests sing along to the Cole Porter songbook, prepare the turkey. Anything over 14lbs and you're in for a gay man's nightmare: dry breast meat. I prefer to brine my turkey for about 8 hours in a bath of spring water, apple-wood smoked salt, white pepper, garlic, and rosemary. I generally follow one of the recipes from Gourmet, as Ruth's relentless kitchen staff have attempted cooking turkeys in every imaginable combination of salts, infused butter, herbs, etc. While you are prepping the turkey, put out a lovely spread of anti-pasti. This past Thanksgiving, I used inspiration from Spanish Tapas to create my nibbles. An earthy block of manchego next to garlic and lemon olives compliments a spicy chorizo. Sweet fig jam next to punchy cornichons and a glass of Juve Y Camps Cava will make the afternoon a delight. "What turkey? These olives are divine!" Gay people like to take the European route and have dinner at a sophisticated hour: anytime after 8pm. This allows time for a workout, assembling your flower arrangements, and a quick facial moisturizing treatment. Every chef must create anticipation for the most homosexually intense meal of the year. As the turkey rests, I make a reduction or "gravy" as straight people refer to it, out of pan juices, a roux, and a little heavy cream. I mash Yukon gold potatoes with salt, pepper, and cream cheese. Quickly saute brussel sprouts with butter, salt, and honey while making sure your savory bread pudding or "stuffing" is becoming golden in the oven. This year, I included mashed yams which were dressed up with pureed chipotle peppers in adobo. This added a nice spicy contrast to the meal without being overly ethnic. Don't forget to add a dab of cranberry apple cutney to each plate. Beaujolais or Gamay are appropriate wines to serve. Chardonnays and Cabernets are for the nuveaux riche who don't understand nuance.Make sure that no guests have an empty glass. If it's on the table, it should be full. This rule applies to water glasses, wine glasses, and any dishes. No one wants to sit at a table with a cleaned plate and an empty champagne flute staring back at them. Also, be sure that your flower arrangements are not too tall or too fragrant. Your table ornamentation should not compete with the extravagance of your menu. As dessert time approaches, polish your snifters and pour your guests 2 fingers of Cognac, Armagnac, or Calvados. I prepare ONE Thanksgiving dessert. You don't want to encourage any already heft guests to over indulge. I enjoy a pumpkin bourbon cheesecake with a graham cracker crust. It says, "I'm down to earth. I understand what average people want." This will put your straight guests as ease.I hope you find these entertainment and cooking tips helpful. May your day of thanks be filled with joy and culinary faggotry.
