living large in the marquis

hertz somehow stuck me with a grand marquis as my rental for this week in st. louis. i usually get a ford taurus or some ford SUV. i get off the plane, already running late for my meeting, and had to just take the car they assigned me and get on the road. i didn't realize until i arrived at my appointment, how foolishly large this car is. the marquis' butt stuck out about 4 ft. past the parking space. i can barely see over the dashboard and i'm 6'3".

it's so embarassing driving around in this beast mobile. i feel like people think i either a) just dropped my grandpa off at the doctor and i'm running some errands for him or b) i'm a drug dealer.

i went to whole foods to get a salad for dinner and tried to swing out of my parking spot and into the road. i couldn't quite make the radius so i had to do a 3 point turn which resulted in 2 cars waiting for me to finish my elaborate maneuver. one of the drivers who had to queue for me was a skinny blonde in a saab who snarled and shook her head in disgust as i passed by. i wanted to scream at her: THIS IS NOT REALLY ME! I'M ONE OF YOU, I'M JUST TRAPPED IN THIS CAR FOR A WEEK AGAINST MY WILL!

i really hope i get a taurus next week.

6 reasons to fall in love with austin...

mmmm...cocktails.










i heart my patio





fancy adidas.





acoustic junction.





wake me up, before you go-go.






bitch, make me a sandwich!

Googlism for "Essie" (My Boyfriend)

essie is a glamorous figure for me
essie is the pussy power cat
essie is the therapist for you
essie is modeling her silk and lace victorian dress
essie is told she has only months to live
essie is called to testify before huac; with charming belligerence
essie is adored in her perfect childhood dream
essie is not as much like her as amber is like me
essie is smart
essie is emmeline's best friend at klc
essie is buried in griffin cemetery
essie is pleasant and lets you know how special his business is to him
essie is strong no nonsense woman
essie is made from muslin
essie is the only polish worth its weight in gold
essie is a dancer with two left feet who takes lessons from
essie is unexpectedly involved in another story
essie is 'n lid sedert 22 april 2002
essie is ofa good
essie is delighted to be surrounded by three men
essie is a ballet dancer
essie is making this run to bring awareness of the efforts of harriet tubman
essie is interviewed in slave quarters
essie is reading law
essie is a cutie
essie is responsible for the technical and scientific aspects of nutrition education research and the analysis of large national data sets to help respond to
essie is komkommerkoel
essie is entangled in the search for the killer
essie is 21 years old and lives in the rotterdam area
essie is a pixie in toeshoes
essie is the devoted wife and mother
essie is a junior and served as a two year jv goalkeeper
essie is not a generic term and
essie is already a java junkie
essie is somewhat more sophisticated and involves exploration and practice in addition
essie is missing a few teeth
essie is the director of the middle school and an assistant head
essie is capering about in a tutu; ed is playing the xylophone; mr
essie is beautiful and she knows it
essie is in the square bottle
essie is in love 15
essie is a sweet
essie is based on the oral history of moabite essie white
essie is dedicated to her family and church
essie is quick to show me a 52ff
essie is the wife of rev
essie is a typey girl with exceptional motherhood abilities
essie is the daughter of nancy jane
essie is a talentless ballerina married to a talentless musician
essie is lee's sister
essie is a painter/printmaker currently completing a fine arts degree at deakin
essie is 102 years old
essie is from cincinnati and has a brother with a developmental disability
essie is going to sign the contract she suddenly passes out
essie is right and we all > know it's true about the number of people who rely on > both prescription drugs and otc medicines
essie is right and we all know it's true about the number of people who rely on both prescription drugs and otc medicines
essie is reliable and efficient
essie is still too young to gauge
essie is a one year old standard female
essie is showing her rap talent yet again
essie is two years older than the census marie
essie is worried
essie is preceded in death by her parents; two sisters
essie is very popular
essie is
essie is home again
essie is on a train into manhattan to meet erik face to face
essie is sponsored by
essie is currently in rehearsal for a streetcar named desire at the national theatre starring as stella opposite glenn close`s
essie is almost as good and the colors are superb
essie is male and married to hattie
essie is risk neutral and payoffs are shown in the following table
essie is aunt of larry hefner of forrest > city who > has helped us with reunion
essie is not her merciful dying and release from her broken body; what i remember is her daily lifting her head up
essie is busy collecting seeds from the many plants and already planning for next year
essie is quite well she asks about you very frequently
essie is returning to her small white
essie is dana?s mother; the car is registered in essie callaway?s name
essie is the evening’s warmest performance
essie is deceased
essie is calling me i got to go
essie is a true springtime delight
essie is very ill with low
essie is the daughter of katy chaiken and the granddaughter of louis chaiken
essie is the latest fuzzy family member

hot for yoga teacher

i had a really attractive yoga instructor today...so hot he inspired me to write the following verse, i call it "hot for yoga teacher":

your downward doggie make me wanna blow up your spot
your garurasana make me wanna tie you up in knots
namaste
are you gay?
does it matter anyway?
put your feet behind your head
i'll give it to you any day
pranayama in and out
show you what it's all about
padangustana in your face
take the bikram tantric route

put you in child's pose
crying cuz it hurt so good
padahastasana flexing like you never knew you could

turn up the heat
turn down the lights
lay on your mat
savasana's right
take off your speedo
pumped up libido
tadasana
break you like a dorito

fuck you america

180 people died in the bombings in india yesterday and over 700 people were injured. i saw a peripheral blurb about it on cnn this morning. as i picked up the paper and checked cnn.com, the major headlines were plastered with information on the jessica lunsford case and tiles falling in the god-forsaken big dig in my hometown. since when did methodically crafted mass murder take a back seat to our shoddy tunnells and murder trials? don't major US businesses have substantial investments in operations in india? isn't anyone pissed off? sympathetic? where is the news coverage?

"i must admit
today my inner pessimist
seems to have got the best of me
we start out sugared up on kool-aid and manifest destiny
and we memorize all the president's names
like little trained monkeys
and then we're spit into the world
so many spinny-eyed t.v. junkies
incapable of unravelling the military industrial mystery
preemptively pacified with history book history
an i've been around the world now
and i can see this about america
the mind control is steep here, man
the myopia is deep here"

-ani

...just another example of the media mind-fucking us all and ignoring major news when it doesn't specifically impact our geo-political interests (read: oil).

i HATE homosapiens

i wouldn't eat next to a homosapien. i wouldn't sit next to a homosapien. i wouldn't even LOOK at a homosapien. homosapienism is disgusting. i read the bible, matthew 24:17, "thou shalt not be homosapien". that's right, the homosapiens will eternally burn in the firey pitch of HELL! jesus will send them down to satan the devil who will ship the homosapiens down that little black river of hades where their sinful sapien flesh will burn to a toasty crisp and then he'll roast them on a FIREY SPIT like a pork butt on the 4th of july. i wish i could to that to a homosapien.

what i really hate are the homosapiens going around tryin' to get everyone else to be homosapien with them. i mean, why must you parade around? they're trying to get our children to accept their homosapianity. it's just wrong.

what's worse are the bi-sapiens. i mean, what do you like you bi-sapien? MAKE UP YUR FREAKIN' MIND!

do not forget, my dear christians, the homosapiens can be SAVED! sweet jesus, they can be saved.

...but they can never sit next to me in heaven.

girlfriend?

i'm definitely not closeted in most social situations, but since i've taken this "on-the-road" sales job, there have been a number of occasions where it would have proven to be socially awkward if i had been totally honest about my sexuality. it's important to note that some of my work travel spans rural texas and arkansas. i'm pretty good at changing pronouns on a dime, but sometimes my responses to questions about my "special someone" catch me off guard. this is often the case when i walk into an office with "CHRIST IS OUR CORNERSTONE" plastered across the reception desk and i feel totally disorientated and scared. here's an example:

(texas financial advisor in italics)
so, i don't see a ring on your finger, you got yurself a lady friend?
well, i recently got engaged, thanks for asking.

congratufreakinlations! what's your fiancee like?
oh...you know...6'2"...240

(silence)

big hands...size 13 shoe.

you sure are a funny guy there andy! ...makin' us thank yur a queer! whut's she do fur work?
demolition

good christ! she must be in pretty good shape!
yeah, she can bench about 280.

she got a nice set?
yeah, they're pretty big. she shaves them too. i've actually figured out how to unhinge my jaw so i can fit them both in my mouth.


this is my life.

om shanti

over the past 5 weeks or so i've become obsessed with yoga. i started doing bikram yoga on the road because there are studios in just about every city i have to travel to. i'm losing my beer gut and i feel so freaking good all the time. i don't even crave coffee in the morning anymore. i think the key is to practice regularly, drink lots of water, and wear a hot pink leotard.