Thursday, March 27, 2008

i will not be defeated


my recent knee injury has left me moderately disabled and has put in a crimp in my efforts to get "hot" by summertime. instead of sitting around being depressed, i actually went to the gym and worked out with my trainer twice this week. i have an appointment tomorrow as well. i can still use free weights, barbells, and bench press. i can do shoulders, chest, biceps, triceps, and back. i will be hot this summer if it kills me. i refuse to be one of those hideous, fat, ugly crippled people trolling around the best parking spots our country has to offer. whereas they have NO value in our society, i will be fit and pretty at the beach this year, it is my duty as an american citizen. was this country built by people who can't walk? no, it was built by people who CAN. stop dragging down our great country with your bum legs, you crippled commie bastards!

as my inspiration, i recall that cold winter morning in 1990 when gloria estefan, on the last leg of a sold-out tour, broke her back in a horrific bus accident. the accident threatened her life and her career as an international pop superstar. did she settle for a life of disability payments, leaching off our welfare system? no. she got back on her feet and came back stronger than EVER! gloria, i don't know why you're swimming in your clothes but you're an inspiration to us all.

i will get back on both feet. i will break-dance again. i will step on all the lazy orthopedic patients at my clinic and laugh in their weak little faces. i will not be defeated. god bless america.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

jesus is dead, let's eat candy!


happy easter.


i am officially retarded. last week i was in austin for work which overlapped with the south by southwest festival ("SXSW" for those who are cooler than i). while in town, i met up with a fellow music enthusiast/bon vivant to check out some shows. we decide to hit a gay bar along the way to grab a beer and see what's happening on the dark side. "i can't go to a gay bar and not dance", says my friend. i will never pass up a dance off, so i slam my beer and get proceed to get my freak on. typical cheesy beyonce/madonna/britney/screaming diva music is blaring and we are making fun of the intense dancers around us by mocking their moves and faking enthusiasm. it was great fun. ...until i decided to try a break-dancing move that i had never attempted before. now, let me preface this by telling you that i am a pretty good dancer for a white guy. i took 4 years of jazz, taught swing/ballroom for 2 years, was on my high school step team, and i go out dancing with friends at least monthly. i have rhythm. i can dance, motherfucker. so anyway, i attempt this breakdancing move that i've seen brown people do one hundred times before. i'm pretty limber so i figure, how hard can it be? now, google and youtube have failed me in tracking down images or footage of the actual breakdance step attempted (although i did find this) so i'll try to describe it to the best of my ability:


you stand with your feet shoulder width apart. you bring your knees in close and slowly bring them down to the floor one-at-a-time and slowly bring them back up while keeping your feet at shoulders width the entire time.
well, while bringing down the first knee, my femur popped out of the socket and i fell to the floor, squirming in agonizing pain. my friend thought i was being silly and was really into whatever floor move it was that i was trying to do so i had to crawl to the nearest go-go boy platform and drag myself up for air. in equal parts laughter and pain, i hobbled back to friend's apartment.


the next day my knee looks like a grapefruit and i can barely walk. i get wheelchair service from my rental car to the airport, fly to boston, and go to the ER where i lie and tell all medical personnel that i tripped running on a trail in texas. awesome. i have some ligament damage that will supposedly heal on it's own after a few weeks of crutches/knee brace/percocet/cabernet.


that brings me to today, easter sunday. i finally have the strength to do a little walking so husband and i decide to head out to newbury street to pick up some new music and contact lenses. i'm doing the "kick and drag" all up and down the street and EVERYTHING IS CLOSED. i'm a total music fanatic and i've been waiting to get healthy enough to pick up a couple of new albums. we get to newbury comics and the goddam store is closed. i scream, "I'M SICK OF THIS FUCKING CHRISTIAN BULLSHIT" as a well-groomed catholic family of 5 scurries out of my handicapped path, clearly on their way to church.


but seriously, what the fuck easter? jesus has risen from the dead so we go to mass (1 of the 2 times per year), eat brunch with musty ol' aunt theresa, look for pink eggs in the grass, wear white hats, and stuff our diabetic children full of chocolate all in memory of the man who died for our sins? nice. i bet jesus loooves that. ahhh yes, the churchy-brunchy-chocolatey goodness that is our lord and savior.


i'm just bitter because i walk with crutches and was abandoned by my hardcore christian family. ...but they don't have painkillers, so i win.


Tuesday, March 18, 2008

in defnese of gentrification


dear holy rolling hipsters,

in my recent travels to austin, anticipating the construction of my house on the east side, i've seen your welcome signs spray painted accross bridges, walls, and billboards. do you recall any of them? some read "yuppies off the east side", "stop gentrification now", and "go west yuppies. keep out of east austin". funny, when i have new neighbors move in, i usually bring over a pie or my famous ginger-molasses cookies. i guess this is the way you greet newcomers in your neck of the woods.

i'm a little confused by how you're defining "yuppie", however. if you mean rich, white, straight, soccer mom-esque, conservative, blue shirt/khaki-wearing christians then you've simply got me all wrong.

let me set the record straight: i'm a happily married homo from a blue-collar family who enjoys reveling in loud music, congregating in the back yard for late-night dance-offs, political activism, getting to know brown people, making irreverent t-shirit designs, playing my musical instruments whenever-the-fuck-i-feel-like-it, speaking spanish fluently, amongst other non-puritanical activities.

so, my little ironic, anger-filled friends, if you consider me to be in the yuppie "ballpark", so be it. do you think that i'm going to ruin your neighborhood? displace poor people? ...because i bought an empty lot so i didn't force anyone out and unfortunately, the cost of living increases regardless of who moves into your hood because of this little thing called inflation. also, we live in a capitalist society so i can kind of live wherever i want. you see, that's the beauty of america. if you want to live in an insular environment, the germans had a really great model for that. in fact, they invented the word "ghetto", which denotes keeping people contained in a neighborhood to perpetuate poverty and disenfranchisement. should we keep our poor people contained from the world around them? or should we "yuppies" move in, start businesses, and offer opportunities that would not have been available otherwise?

i think it's small-minded of y'all to tell me to get out of your neighborhood and "go west" with the rest of the rich white folks when in actuality, i probably have more in common with the latino and black communities of the east side. i'm used to being marginalized for being gay and fighting for causes that directly effect the safety and future well-being of my family and other gay families.

being from boston, i'm all about history and preservation and i can't wait to get to know the locals and become involved in understanding and conserving the vibrant culture of east austin. i think we can all get along. you know, i hate starbucks too and i am happy to patron the local businesses to get a sense of what the neighborhood is all about. hey, that's cash flow that these businesses wouldn't have if i didn't move in!

i know y'all have your ramones t-shirts in a twitch because you don't want to be reminded of the white bourgeois you've tried so hard to run from. you may have a lot of tattoos and some really tight black jeans but i know you grew up in a subdivision 30 miles north of town where you ate white bread and ham sandwiches. i never understood why, if you hipsters are so subversive, you all look the same. you have the same haircuts, listen to the same music, are pissed off about the same things. you expect anyone worth talking to to take a vow of poverty and live in a cardboard box. whenever one of your friends goes on tour or gets noticed by the mainstream, they've sold out in your mind. did you know that you can be subversive and still like to buy loafers at barney's? i know that you're rebelling against your upper-middle class upbringing and you want to feel the full range of emotions but you can't take it out on my amazing new homo/ethno friendly house being built around the corner from your shit box.

not to fear, the city has already limited my new home size to fit the envelope of the surrounding houses so that i won't put up an over sized monstrosity on my postage stamp lot. i actually think that's a great idea. it will help me show my brown neighbors that i'm not trying to alienate them.

maybe you're mad because you're not as successful an artist you had hoped to be and i actually made a few bucks...in fact i've made enough to live the lifestyle you wish you had. besides, i'm the guy who will probably buy your art. you need to remember that it's really hard for me to get the cash out of my wallet when you won't stop biting my hand.

your friendly new neighbor,

andy