i've been thinking a lot about this post over the past week or so. having left my family and their cult-esque version of christianity about 6 years ago, i frequently struggle with a similar guilt that V experiences in her entry.
my parents and brother don't talk to me because i'm no longer a member of the church. they don't acknowledge my "lifestyle" or my partner of 3 years. sometimes they'll answer the phone if i call and they forget to screen. i miss them inexplicably, regardless of my disdain for the church.
my parents are in their late 40s, are in an unhappy marriage, have no savings for retirement, have a house that's falling apart, and are floundering above the poverty line. they are perfectly capable of getting themselves out of their financial ruins but don't take the initiative to do so. i'll spare you the pity party but suffice it to say that i feel guilty for not being around to help them. i'm madly in love with my partner whom i just married. i make a lot of money. i own my home. i'm planning on buying investment properties in the coming months. i went to college. i have a new car. i have retirement savings. i've travelled all over the world and stayed in some of the most amazing places known to humanity.
i've sent them money. thousands. aside from just plain old guilt, i send them money because just before my freshman year of college my dad took out a 28k loan and i eventually dropped out. i feel like i created a financial burden for them by asking them to take out the loan in their names. my parents have since refinanced their home and paid off all but 5k of the loan (i get the details from my grandmother who is not a fundamentalist) but i still send checks because i feel like i abandoned my family just as much as they have abandoned me. what helps me sleep at night is the fact that i know i can at least help them get the roof fixed or the electric bill paid. i do, however, get frustrated because they won't talk to me but they can cash my checks; i guess it's a loop hole in the religion.
in any case, i think my parents suffer from chronic fear of life's imminent possibilities outside of their microcosm. they are afraid to be ambitious, to think for themselves, to define their own destinies. i had to leave before that fear permeated my life and sent me spiraling into a life of ignorance, poverty, pulpit manipulation, and mediocrity.
my message to V is this: you left a model for people to follow. maybe you feel like you abandoned those neighborhood children but you still showed them that there was a way out, whether or not you realize it. i don't think leaving was an act of selfishness, i think it was a matter of survival. what good would you have done if you stayed and looked after a half-dozen children at age 17? you would have ended up just like amanda. you are different than them because you escaped and found a way to transcend the fear that keeps them barred in their dysfunctional lives.
in the typical andalusian-blog-posting-ani-difranco-cliche fashion, here is one of her lines that came to my head when i read V's entry that basically sums up whatever it is that i'm trying to say:
god help you if you are a phoenix//and you dare to rise up from the ash//a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy//while you are just flying past
