Wednesday, November 30, 2005

ode to gobletta/new girl @work


shut up!
shut up!
shut up!
i'm sick of hearing your turkey voice.
your stupid, white-trash, south-shore accent
is slowly driving me to drink.
"what are mutual fund expenses?"
you just asked me that same question yesterday,
there's nothing more i can do to help.
you just talk louder when you don't know the answer.
just because you are loud does not mean you are right.
i do not want to hear about how you slept with your old boss at your last job.
your shoes are pointy but not in a cool or european way.
do not hover over my shoulder because i will punch you in the face.
no, i will never be your gay best friend.
shut up!
shut up!
shut up!
i hate you.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

"i know you got more tears to share babe"



"so come on, come on, come on and cry, cry baby" -janis joplin

reps have been calling into our sales line all morning complaining that they've been holding for a long time for customer service. they get mad at me because i can't help them.

me: sir, i create investment proposals, i can't help you with your distribution request.

rep: BUT I'VE BEEN WAITING ON HOLD FOR 20 MINUTES!

it's like going to london and looking for a wal-mart. you can kick and scream at every person you meet, demanding they tell you where wal-mart is but there is no wal-mart in london. you can threaten people, you can throw a tantrum, but no matter how loud you whine, you just can't have it. i can't help you.

i'm sorry you have to sit on hold. is this a new concept for people? i have to sit on hold for airlines, for my credit card company, my electric company, gas company, cable company, bank, cell phone company, computer support, furniture delivery service, e*trade support, my gym, the DMV, the dentist's office, the doctor's office. i have to wait in line at starbucks, au bon pain, the grocery store, the subway turnstyle, the on ramp to the highway, the drug store, the music store, etc. you can cry and bitch but you still have to wait like everyone else for every goddamm service in america.

here's a poem i wrote in honor of today:

wait, wait, wait
you just have to wait
it may not be great but you still have to wait!
don't playa hate
cuz we all hafta wait
i know it gets old when you're sitting on hold,
but it doesn't give you the right to be cold!
you may want to whine when you're standing on line,
but your situation isn't any different than mine!
sometimes when you dial it may take a while,
but don't forget to say thank you with a smile!
you may get blue when your sitting in the queue,
but i think you should go fuck yourself!

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

gay-be-gone


"The Vatican says homosexuals who are sexually active or support "gay culture" are unwelcome in the priesthood unless they have overcome their homosexual tendencies for at least three years, according to a church document posted on the Internet by an Italian Catholic news agency." -Associated Press

right. so, three years is the magic number? three years and you're cured? by what process did the vatican arrive to the conclusion that after 3 years you become a non-practicing gay(or NPG, as it were)? did the virgin mary come up with this number? baby jesus? does the same rule apply for heterosexuals? if you don't have sex for 3 years, are you no longer a heterosexual? or is it more like your virginity growing back?

"Vatican teaching also holds that homosexuals are 'intrinsically disordered.' The church, however, says gays and lesbians should be treated with compassion and dignity."

ok. in other words, "we think you guys are a bunch of retards but we're not going whoop your asses anymore. we're just going to judge you quietly, behind your back because that's the christian way."

amen. fuck you and your white polyester gowns. what gay man wants to wear that synthetic shit anyway?

Monday, November 21, 2005

hedging hustler


i saw some new account paperwork today that asked us to restric tobacco, alcohol, and pornography when buying stocks for the client. this always makes me laugh. what about international oil conglomerates that feed terrorism and perpetuate our reliance on fossil fuels? "oh sure! load up my portfolio. praise the king of heaven!"

gobbeletta strikes again

"so are the tax sensative models just filled with funds that take tax sensativity into account?"

gobble gobble


there's a new girl at work. i've been trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, but alas. she's not picking up our products very fast. she gets flustered when on the phone with brokers. she's a little flaky and self-centered. she uses pet names for everyone. she's also on personal phone calls frequently and she doesn't lower her volume which means the rest of us have to hear every painful moronic detail from her life inside and outside of work. here's a quick sample:

"totally. you're the best! when i don't want to kill myself, i totally luv ya! how was your weekend? i'm totally having a panic attack! i'm so skinny. i hope my nerves will make me skinnier! i love myself, even when i am having a panic attack! why doesn't he luv me? i am so wondaful. i mean, i am such a good catch. oh my god, what the f*ck, this f*cking rep, i don't f*cking understand. should i eat? oh my god, hun, youwah such a sweetie!"

she actually sounds a lot like a turkey (maybe i just have thanksgiving on the brain). imagine sneaking up behind a 25lb turkey and kicking it, as hard as you physically can, square in the asshole. that sound is what she sounds like when she speaks. i think i'll call her gobbeletta.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

i have a dream


that one day someone at starbucks will give me an iced vannilla **vodka** latte when i pick up my coffee in the morning.

big girls don't cry


there is something so satisfying about seeing dakota fanning in tears(courtesy stephan horbelt) . i've been wanting to smack that obnoxious bitch since "i am sam". i feel in my heart, that on some cosmic level, karma has brought the universe into balance.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

i know who you did last summer


i have these doctor friends, kevin and chris, who happen to be friends with my actual doctor. i only recently discovered this. sometimes he hangs out with us in groups and it's weird to me. like, real weird.

chris' birthday is this weekend and kevin is throwing a surprise karaoke party for him. it should be fun with the exception of the awkward conversation i'm bound to have with my primary care physician. what do you say? i mean, it's like, "hey! remember when i told you my entire sexual history and then you checked my prostate!? let's sing something by stevie wonder." it'll be great.

Monday, November 14, 2005

where's the beef?


shut up mainstream, sensationalist media! people are freaking out about the trade deficit and are fearful that other nations are going to quit buying our treasuries, thereby sending our economy to the crapper.

check out the current 10-yr bond yields:
Japan: 1.54%
UK: 4.45% (inverted yield curve, you get more juice on the short end)
Germany: 3.5%
United States: 4.56%

basically, other nations like our treasuries because they can't get this kind of yield at such a low risk ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE WORLD (i.e., whose government-backed debt would you trust more if you were japan? brazil? or the united states? i thought so). as long as the fed lays off on raising interest rates, we should be in good shape for some time; it would also help the trade deficit if dubya would stop spending like a democrat but that's another post.

other nations are going to keep buying our debt because they're getting more bang for their buck. in fact, greenspan's successor could achieve celebrity status if he loosens the policy before we see a situation like the inverted yield curve in the UK. our economy will be in good shape as long as consumer spending remains steady, inflation is under control, and energy stays relatively tame.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

"everyone's an actor or an actor's best friend..."


...what was wrong to begin with that they should all have to pretend? -ani difranco

*people ask my why i'm so into mr. difranco, the simple answer is this: i was actually raised by a pack of wild lesbians. no really. i spent my formative homo years hanging around downtown northampton, massachusetts with a bunch of bearded ladies. i have a special place in my heart for overalls and purple subarus. needless to say, ani blared from their car windows at all times and they'd belt along with lines like my cunt is built like a would that won't heal.

to me, ani is like an old friend who comes to town once in a while and is like, "hey, look at what i learned from my life experience. we should try to be better people". she's kind of a genious of human nature who somehow stays completely true to her message and artform while weaving in and out of genres, ignoring the taunts of the music industry. "you can dangle your carrot//but i ain't gonna reach for it//cuz i need both my hands//to play my guitar". i kind of worship her ideals and even though i'm a corporate sellout. so, thanks all you burly noho ladies for watching my back and giving me an entree into difrancoism.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

question:


you're a wasp invitied to a jewish co-worker's newborn son's bris, what do you bring as a gift? band-aids?

Monday, November 07, 2005

now i'm dancing for my life



*while singing karioke at 4am with my neighbors saturday night, i realized that i had mis-heard the lyrics to what a feeling from the film flashdance. the correct line of the chorus is: take your passion//make it happen. since i was 6 i've been singing: take your pants off//make it happen. i always wondered why bible-toting mother would let me play that song in the house. it all makes sense now. i used to dance around the livingroom in a sweatshirt pulled off 1 shoulder.

*sweet rally in the market again. i hope we have another week of gains, i'm watching PANL right now. earnings come out tomorrow.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

dolphin safe


* i am FIRED UP about this rally in the market. i am actually crushing a redbull against my forehead right now. TXN is making a marvelous comeback.

* i hate the word "titillating", especially when describing a classroom full of science geeks at MIT.

* sometimes my pee smells like tuna.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

"all i want is god and my family"




just when you think YOU'VE got issues, jesus sends a friendly reminder via reality TV that you could be much worse off. i can't wait to see the season premiere of trading spouses where this lovely lady goes apeshit on her new family. GOD BLESS 'EM!

dude, where's my portfolio?


*2 rallies dragged down by the fed and dell.

*i'm never eating another muffin.