i've never had a super-hot body. there have been times in my life when i was definitely overweight, other times i've been slim and tone, but never "hot bod" quality. i'm 6'3", wear a 36 inch waist pant and weigh around 205-- not grotesque by any means. needless to say, i fight my fat genes, handed down from my snailishly slow metabolized ancestors, on a daily basis. i work out like a fucking horse, otherwise i would be a bonafide lard-ass. i know people who work out less than me, are in much worse cardiovascular shape, and eat more than me and they still look better topless than i do. life isn't fair. someone throw a pity party.
unfortunately, i chose a career that puts me on the road about 48 weeks per year to distant, exotic cities such as kansas city and dallas. i would argue that many midwest/southwest cities are not hallmarks of healthy living so it's a constant struggle to find the local whole foods and to make good decisions when its time to put on my eatin' dress. when i find an organic grocer, i eject myself onto the salad bar like a hooker throwing her dead baby into a dumpster behind red lobster.
while generally, i find ways to make good choices on the road, i feel like the hospitality industry is damming me to a life of obesity. let me explain: i have platinum status at marriott hotels which means they have to let me fuck them in the ass when ever i feel pissed off. that being said, they kiss my ass from the moment i check in. said check in ass kiss usually involves some sort of gift bag that always includes a bag of milano cookies, oreos, salted honey fat-girl peanuts, etc, etc.
there was a time, not too long ago, when i would succumb to the high-calorie snacks in the check-in bag or just leave them on the nightstand (only to be ravaged during a late-night feeding frenzy). over the past 3 months or so, i've been attempting diligently to get "hot", so i've come up with a solution:
flushing cookies down the toilet.
i got sick of watching them glare at me from across the bed. i can't handle the temptation, so now i take my weakness into my own hands. seriously, if i could procure 1 piece of advice for obese americans everywhere it would be: flush your snacks. it's such a satisfying act. it's quick, aggressive, guilt free. i mean let's face it, no one wants a fat friend.
3 comments:
do you break them up first? or do you flush the cookies whole? do you have to flush a couple of times or does everything generally go down on the first try? have you ever had to call maintenance because you had a mint milano clog?
actually, this week i threw half a pint of hagen daaz down the shitter and it wouldn't flush. i think it's a plumbing issue since hagen daaz is frozen. i just left it for the maid to deal with.
after slouching at my desk in bitter silence all day, whilst wearing fuzzy slippers because my office is apparently located in the nethers of the artic region, this is the ONLY thing that broke my silence. i can always credit you for making sure i remain "that dark girl here at the office who laughs loudly sometimes"
regards,
amy
Post a Comment