gobble gobble

there's a new girl at work. i've been trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, but alas. she's not picking up our products very fast. she gets flustered when on the phone with brokers. she's a little flaky and self-centered. she uses pet names for everyone. she's also on personal phone calls frequently and she doesn't lower her volume which means the rest of us have to hear every painful moronic detail from her life inside and outside of work. here's a quick sample:

"totally. you're the best! when i don't want to kill myself, i totally luv ya! how was your weekend? i'm totally having a panic attack! i'm so skinny. i hope my nerves will make me skinnier! i love myself, even when i am having a panic attack! why doesn't he luv me? i am so wondaful. i mean, i am such a good catch. oh my god, what the f*ck, this f*cking rep, i don't f*cking understand. should i eat? oh my god, hun, youwah such a sweetie!"

she actually sounds a lot like a turkey (maybe i just have thanksgiving on the brain). imagine sneaking up behind a 25lb turkey and kicking it, as hard as you physically can, square in the asshole. that sound is what she sounds like when she speaks. i think i'll call her gobbeletta.

i have a dream

that one day someone at starbucks will give me an iced vannilla **vodka** latte when i pick up my coffee in the morning.

big girls don't cry

there is something so satisfying about seeing dakota fanning in tears(courtesy stephan horbelt) . i've been wanting to smack that obnoxious bitch since "i am sam". i feel in my heart, that on some cosmic level, karma has brought the universe into balance.

i know who you did last summer

i have these doctor friends, kevin and chris, who happen to be friends with my actual doctor. i only recently discovered this. sometimes he hangs out with us in groups and it's weird to me. like, real weird.

chris' birthday is this weekend and kevin is throwing a surprise karaoke party for him. it should be fun with the exception of the awkward conversation i'm bound to have with my primary care physician. what do you say? i mean, it's like, "hey! remember when i told you my entire sexual history and then you checked my prostate!? let's sing something by stevie wonder." it'll be great.

where's the beef?

shut up mainstream, sensationalist media! people are freaking out about the trade deficit and are fearful that other nations are going to quit buying our treasuries, thereby sending our economy to the crapper.

check out the current 10-yr bond yields:
Japan: 1.54%
UK: 4.45% (inverted yield curve, you get more juice on the short end)
Germany: 3.5%
United States: 4.56%

basically, other nations like our treasuries because they can't get this kind of yield at such a low risk ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE WORLD (i.e., whose government-backed debt would you trust more if you were japan? brazil? or the united states? i thought so). as long as the fed lays off on raising interest rates, we should be in good shape for some time; it would also help the trade deficit if dubya would stop spending like a democrat but that's another post.

other nations are going to keep buying our debt because they're getting more bang for their buck. in fact, greenspan's successor could achieve celebrity status if he loosens the policy before we see a situation like the inverted yield curve in the UK. our economy will be in good shape as long as consumer spending remains steady, inflation is under control, and energy stays relatively tame.

"everyone's an actor or an actor's best friend..."

...what was wrong to begin with that they should all have to pretend? -ani difranco

*people ask my why i'm so into mr. difranco, the simple answer is this: i was actually raised by a pack of wild lesbians. no really. i spent my formative homo years hanging around downtown northampton, massachusetts with a bunch of bearded ladies. i have a special place in my heart for overalls and purple subarus. needless to say, ani blared from their car windows at all times and they'd belt along with lines like my cunt is built like a would that won't heal.

to me, ani is like an old friend who comes to town once in a while and is like, "hey, look at what i learned from my life experience. we should try to be better people". she's kind of a genious of human nature who somehow stays completely true to her message and artform while weaving in and out of genres, ignoring the taunts of the music industry. "you can dangle your carrot//but i ain't gonna reach for it//cuz i need both my hands//to play my guitar". i kind of worship her ideals and even though i'm a corporate sellout. so, thanks all you burly noho ladies for watching my back and giving me an entree into difrancoism.

question:

you're a wasp invitied to a jewish co-worker's newborn son's bris, what do you bring as a gift? band-aids?

now i'm dancing for my life

*while singing karioke at 4am with my neighbors saturday night, i realized that i had mis-heard the lyrics to what a feeling from the film flashdance. the correct line of the chorus is: take your passion//make it happen. since i was 6 i've been singing: take your pants off//make it happen. i always wondered why bible-toting mother would let me play that song in the house. it all makes sense now. i used to dance around the livingroom in a sweatshirt pulled off 1 shoulder.

*sweet rally in the market again. i hope we have another week of gains, i'm watching PANL right now. earnings come out tomorrow.

dolphin safe

* i am FIRED UP about this rally in the market. i am actually crushing a redbull against my forehead right now. TXN is making a marvelous comeback.

* i hate the word "titillating", especially when describing a classroom full of science geeks at MIT.

* sometimes my pee smells like tuna.

"all i want is god and my family"

just when you think YOU'VE got issues, jesus sends a friendly reminder via reality TV that you could be much worse off. i can't wait to see the season premiere of trading spouses where this lovely lady goes apeshit on her new family. GOD BLESS 'EM!

dude, where's my portfolio?

*2 rallies dragged down by the fed and dell.

*i'm never eating another muffin.

the scariest halloween costume ever

ok, we get it, harriet miers withdrew her nomination. CAN THE MEDIA STOP SHOWING PICTURES OF HER??!?! i'm having nightmares where she crawls out from under my bed and eats my face. seriously, she is so fucking scary! i hope dubya nominates someone else soon because i just can't live like this.

the cool kids club

i was a really gay kid growing up. i was into things like jump rope and celebrity gossip--you know, stuff that every second grader is interested in. i remember being obsessed with the "popular girl" image in film and tv and wanted to find a way to become that person before anyone else in grade school could beat me to the punch. i did an in-depth field study at the local mall and roller rink and realized that the most popular girls had 1 thing in common: they had almost superhuman mind control over their peers. it became my mission to find away to control my fellow pupils, make my way to the top of the food chain, and exercise my manifest destiny as sunderland elementary's most popular.

i figured the best way to round up the cattle was to start an elite club. you've got to create the need, know what i'm saying? the criteria for choosing members of my group had to be those who 1) would improve my image and 2) showed promise in the areas of fashion and gossip. i created a newsletter, meant to be the first edition of many, with the hottest celebrity news and crossword puzzles made up of tiffany and debbie gibson song lyrics. needless to say, i needed a name for my club...something catchy...something that would really stand out, you know, like an acronym that would really reach out and grab you. after much pontification, i decided on "cool kids club" but "CKC" just wouldn't do. hmmm....the CCC? nope, sounds like catholic sunday school. what did i finally come up with? take a wild stab... i called it the KKK. yes, i ran around the playground trying to get kids to sign up for the KKK. i actually collected about 12 names or so, but shaneekwa and jamall jackson never spoke to me again. i guess some people can't get their priorities straight.

"we try to keep our eye on the big picture..."

"...the picture keeps getting bigger" -ani difranco

today i'm bullish on humanity and the mind blowing conincidence at the intersection of time and circumstance.

happy birthday amber.

when the herd comes a runnin'

...get your money the f*ck out of that asset class and head for higher ground.

i'm going on such a broker rant today.

broker: um. hi. so do you guys sell reits? i just think real estate is the way to go.

me: why, yes of course! you should definitely put your client 100% into a reit manager.


yes, this too is part of the homosexual agenda.

i want the world. i want the whole world...

...i want to wrap it all up in my pocket it's my bar of chocolate. give it to me NOW!

what's with people's sense of entitlement? part of my wholesaling job is answering inbound calls in addition to selling my financial services products to my assigned territory. these inbound calls are supposed to be related to asset allocation, diversification of portfolios, tactical allocation changes and so forth. the people who call in are somewhat, at least marginally sophisticated retail brokers. every day i am amazed at the audacity of these brokers who are quick to demand that i audit their client's performance, make ridiculous exceptions, speak to their clients, etc. many times i am more than willing to show off my sales prowess but a lot of these guys think that i'm going to pull strings and jump through hoops for them. uh...hell no. as the broker, you take on responsibility to MANAGE YOUR CLIENTS' EXPECTATIONS AND BEHAVIORS. my firm just does the money management part. if you can't control your client then you should not be a broker (i've said as much in so many words as of late and gotten my head chewed off). eat or be eaten. you can't scapegoat your clients' issues on me. what makes people think that i should manage their $50k mutual fund account when i have clients to service that have $70mm with our firm? you don't deserve to get paid, i will be taking your commission this quarter. strap on a set, bitches.

napkin of the month club

apple is coming out with the new video i-pod and who the hell cares? in america, we like watching tv on bigass screens, not little hand-held ones. i realize they're trying to stay competitive and bring new products to market but no one i know will buy this. maybe all the japanese jazz students who hang out in front of berklee music school but nobody else, i tell you, NOBODY!

futures look slightly positive this morning but investors will flip out when fuel inventory comes out and tech will take a nosedive. (how bout shorting semi-conductors?)

i have slight OCD about a few things. napkins are one example of my quirky disorder. see, well, the thing is, i love them. i fucking can't get my hands on enough napkins. i have an entire file cabinet at my desk full of napkins. i take them from everywhere and not just 1 or 2, i take stacks of them. i clean out napkin dispensers. every time i go to the au bon pain (or ooh boo poo as i like to call it) i swing by the utensil station and grab piles of them and stuff them into my "to go" bag. i use probably 8-10 of them at lunch and another 12 or so throughout the day if my hands feel soiled for one reason or another. my friend steph has taken to fedexing me piles of napkins from around the world (or at least from within the i495 belt). she writes nice little summations on the napkin quality and origin then they go in my stash. i'm not creepy like a cat lady or anything, i actually despise clutter but sometimes you just can't seem to get clean enough and napkins are my personal escape from this germ infested, disease ridden office. is that weird?

*wipes face with starbucks collection #3.1 circa june 14th, 2003, old pre-recycled design, 2 ply*

economy schmeconomy

my thoughts from a survey at the learning curve:

1. How do you think the economy is doing?
I think the economy is mediocre. There is some muted growth but consumer confidence is down and the market is lack luster; people are still hungover from the roaring 90's.

2. How do you think the stock market will do for the remainder of the year and into 2006?
The optimist in me says 5% for the S&P but the realist says "flat".

3. Do you think the bull market is over?
I think we're at the tail end of the bull market, '06 will be ugly for stocks (I'm hanging on to my blue chips though).

4. Do you think the real estate market is in a bubble? Has that bubble ended?
I think real estate in hot markets has plateaued. Analysts said Boston would "pop" like it did in the early 90's but it hasn't (I live there). However, Boston is a hot condo market and the units are predominantly owner-occupied, no one is buying 10 condos as rental properties like they did in '91. I think places like Florida should be worrying about housing sustainability--highly leveraged people with little experience, tunnel vision, and herd mentality have been picking up handfuls of properties in places like ft. lauderdale and tampa. I don't know if there is a viable rental market for all of these apartments.

5. What do you think about inflation? Have you noticed any inflation in things other than energy prices?
What inflation?

6. Have you made any lifestyle changes because of the rise in energy prices? Have you changed how you spend money or the kinds of activities you participate in on evenings and weekends?
I don't drive much because I live in the city so I haven't really been effected by high energy prices yet (just wait until winter rolls around). My discretionary spending hasn't changed much: movies & beer.

his and hers

essie and i bought a place together about a month ago. the junk mail that follows is hilarious. i guess he's the mrs. according to wells fargo. it's a slight ego boost for me.

ay dios mio

looks like a slight lift in the market this morning. can we get some exuberance back please? a little year end rally? c'mon party people, fuck high energy and bogus LEIs, let's get out of this range, daddy's got a mortgage to pay! special thanks to GOLDMAN for the critique of TXN which sent it on a downward spiral yesterday.

i'm trying to load all of my cds into i-tunes and i feel like i'm going to be editing my library for the next 6 months. i've got about 500 discs and i pretty much go on a cd spree every tuesday when the new releases come out. i know, i know, i'm living in the stone ages by purchasing CD's and the entire music industry business model is archaic and evil, but i still have a religious method to buying music: buy the cd, go home, put it on, read the liner notes, pay attention to the arrangements, and judge. maybe this is the result of being a musician who was raised by a musician. i analyze what i think the artist was going for, search for influences, and try to relate to the songwriter's experiences. buying an album on i-tunes simply does not give me the same buzz. i think you lose a level of intimacy with a song when you don't look at the context of it. as a songwriter, i would want people to hear the whole collection since my themes tend to bleed together...maybe that's just me but that's how a player's got to be.

currently spinning: fiona apple, my morning jacket, franz ferdinand, ryan adams & the cold roses, fisherspooner