have you ever fallen in love with a city?

deep in the heart of texas...

revenge extravaganza - dedicated to "the colonel"

i got royally fucked over by a "team member" at work. since i can't delve into cor-pirate details on my blog, i will describe the situation using ani difranco lyrics:

"and the next time that i saw you//you were larger than life//yeah you came and you conquered//you were doing all right//you had an army of suits behind you//and all you had to be was willing//and i said i still make a pretty good living//you must make a killing//and i hope that//that you are happy//i hope that at least you are having fun//oh cuz everyone is a fucking napoleon" -napoleon

"tell me who is your boogieman//that's who i will be//you don't have to like me for who i am//but we'll see what you're made of by what you make of me" -willing to fight

"smile pretty, and watch your back" -every state line

"i am warning you i am weightless//and the wind is always shifting//so don't hang anything on me//if you ever want to see it again//i am telling you i'm different than you think i am" -million you never made

and the real kicker which outlines my ever so subtle revenge extravaganza (coming to a city near you, summer of 2007):

"you are subtle as a window pane//standing in my view//but i will wait for it to rain//so that i can see you//you call me up at night//when there's no light passing through//and you think that i don't understand//but i do//we don't say everything that we could//so that we can say later//oh, you misunderstood//i hold my cards up//close to my chest//i say what i have to and i hold back the rest//'cause someone you don't know//is someone you don't know//get a firm grip, girl before you let go//for every hand extended//another lies in wait//keep your eye on that one//anticipate...

...if there's anything i've learned all these years on my own//it's how to find my own way there//and how to find my own way home" -anticipate

Think I'll Go To Boston//I Think That You're A Retard

has anybody heard this song? it was on at the gym today. i actually stopped when i was walking by the TV to catch a good look at the lead singer so that if i ever run into him on the street, i can kick the shit out of him. the lyrics are naive and stupid beyond belief. i googled the lyrics and found the band's website(augustana); they're out of san diego. just in case the track is unfamiliar, here are the lyrics to the chorus:

I think I'll go to Boston//I think that I'm just tired//I think I need a new town//to leave this all behind//I think I need a sunrise//I'm tired of the sunset//I hear it's nice in the Summer// some snow would be nice

ok asshole, GO AHEAD! move to fucking boston, you ill-informed little emo-bitch! pack up your bags and that rat's nest haircut of yours and come see the sunrise from the waterfront in the middle of february when there's a windchill factor of -25 degrees. yeah, the snow is real nice when it's flying at your face horizontally at 35 miles per hour like shrapnel flying out of a grenade launcher. i'd take baghdad over february in boston.

you hear it's nice in summer, do you? last summer was really nice in my 4th floor walk up with no central AC. maybe you haven't heard of HUMIDITY down there in san diego, but in late july, when you walk out of your apartment in BOSTON, you instantly get pit stains and it feels like you're breathing through a straw. you'll have to use 2 handfuls of leave-in conditioner to keep that greasy ass hairstyle of yours. oh, and all your black rock-star outfits? you'll probably pass out due to heat stroke headed from newbury street to cambridge surrounded by 2,050 asian MIT students crammed onto an un-air conditioned bus. yes, i pray you, move to boston.

maybe you'll meet a new "lover". so full of hope! i hope you like bitchy, dumpy, entitled women who think getting dressed up to go out means jeans, black shoes, a string of pearls, and their new ann taylor sweater set---because that's all you're gonna get! welcome to Generica! boston has about 5 hot, interesting single chicks and i'm friends with ALL OF THEM and i can say with great certainty, NONE of them would date your whiny ass.

so go ahead, MOVE already. your song sucks and you deserve to suffer.

men's event 2007

essie and i went to the fenway community health center benefit for the 3rd year running. it's a bunch of gays sashaying around in tuxes giving self-congratulatory speeches on all of the good work they do for AIDS. needless to say, i slammed 2 vodka martinis within my first 10 minutes there. by desert i was a *little* sloppy. i asked an asian man at my table if he'd prefer to use chopsticks to eat his carrot cake. then i put my hands in prayer position and bowed. i proceeded to call him mr. midori the rest of the night. i told him to call me. i don't think he's gonna call.

i totally got raped today

...in a corporate sense, that is. people were shooting the messenger left and right, criticizing my "note taking" capabilities and stabbing me in the back for not doing their job for them. all the more reason to own your own business. someday i will just fire all the motherfuckers that get up in my face.

smile pretty and watch your back -ani

T R Knight (of Greys Anatomy) responds to slur

i used to talk a lot of shit about ellen because her talk show glosses over her gay identity. i attributed her lack of "gayness" to her network contract, basically selling out in order to make her show more palatable to the ignorant masses. i take it back after watching this clip.

the sexiest rental car ever

i often joke about the unattractive, mid-size sedan-ness of the rental cars i get when i travel on business. this week i have some ford station wagon suv thingy with like 10 seats in the back. i have to say, it really impresses the clients when i roll up in that big hunk of detriot abortion. much to my amusement, as i was walking up to the car after a meeting, i noticed the first 3 letters of my license plate. couldn't have said it better myself.

please board according to your group number or i will fuck you up

i travel every week. i'm at the airport around 6am on monday morning, headed to some god forsaken mid-western state. i have check-in and airport security down to a science.

i'm willing to accept that i travel much more than the average person and i like to think that i am patient with those who may fumble at the check-in kiosk or who forget to take off their earrings at security. i never bother the attendant at the gate unless i have a real problem. i realize that they will make an announcement if there has been a delay, if there is room available for upgrades, etc.

there is one aspect of travel, however, that infuriates me every fucking week: the boarding line. everyone hovers over the gate as if it's a fucking race to get on the plane. i don't know about you, but i'm not in any rush to schlep onto a 25 year-old tin can so that i can fold myself up like a fucking oragami swan, crammed between 2 800 pound, disease infested management "consultants" who don't understand the meaning of "please turn off all cell phones and electronic devices".

american airlines boards by group number which is printed in large font on every boarding pass. the directions are simple: enter the boarding line when your group is called. they don't say, "breathe down the neck of" and "step on the heels of the person in front of you because the plane might leave without your fat, ignorant ass". you'd think the baby jesus himself were on the other side of that gate handing out hundred dollar bills by the way people dart towards the entrance.

i have platinum status with american so i always get to board with the first class people, and many times get a first-class upgrade. there were 4 (count 4!) people in line this week who were in groups 3 and 4 who jumped the line. i LOVE when the attendant sends them out of queue and gives them a nasty glare. "you have to wait" may be my favorite phrase in the english language. i'm usually parked in a seat until they call the "platinum members" which is when i elbow and push my way through the flock of sheep to hand over my boarding pass, turn back around to the crowd, toss my hair, and waive coyly at all the assholes waiting to dump themselves like a week old turd into their rickety coach seats.

why can't americans learn the virtue of patience?

i'm making it my personal mission to bitchslap the sense of entitlement out of people until we can all organize ourselves in a waiting line like grown-ups. the plane will not leave without you, although i wish it would. back the fuck up!

p.s. the bathroom in the front is for first-class ONLY so go do the pee pee dance in the back where i don't have to look at your ancient, sagging grandma ass.

NYE

nye6
Originally uploaded by get that thing out of my face.

uploaded everything from last weekend to Flickr.

happy birthday 2007!

last night i had bette davis eyes, today i have bette davis lungs.

in defense of augusten: perception is reality

this month's vanity fair ran with the article ruthless with scissors which detailed hours of interviews with author augusten burroughs "adopted" family, the turcottes. in the wake of james frey's highly publicized memoir debacle, the characters in burroughs' book running with scissors sued the author and his publishing company for defamation and emotional turmoil. their accusations include weeks of emotional stress, anxiety, severe nausea, hospitalization, among other forms of emotional distress. they say he lied, stretched the truth, exaggerated dates, etc. they feel as though their family was defamed, that the portrait painted was grotesque and untrue.

i suppose they can point all the fingers they want at augusten and his publishing company until they get the restitution (read: cash) that they so desperately seek. even some of my friends, who happen to be AVID burroughs fans, have called him a fraud and a liar.

sure, he may have stretched the truth a little, changed some dates, combined characters, added anecdotes (he puts a disclaimer in every novel), but the sheer public perception of this family lends truth to augusten's memoir. my grandmother was a restauranteur and socialite in 1970's northampton, massachusetts (where running with scissors took place). after reading augusten's novel, she confirmed many of the eccentric and obscene behaviors of the turcotte family throughout the 70's and early 80's. dr. turcotte would have loud talks with his family degrading women and describing explicit sex acts in front of small children, prompting my grandfather to ask him to leave the restaurant on multiple occasions, usually stiffing gramps on the bill.

grandma recalls the family essentially moving into the front yard of their delapitated house one summer after an unprofitable tag sale prevented them from moving the furniture back into the house.

she told me all about the bizarre father's day parades up and down main street with dr. turcotte leading the family wearing no shirt, red suspenders, and a santa hat. he advised my grandfather not to let gram wear the pants in their relationship, sincer her "role" as a woman should be to serve and comply with men.

i guess the most relevant fact contributing to my belief in augusten's memoir is that dr. turcotte lost his license to practice psychiatry in 1984 for GROSS MISCONDUCT. he gave a sexual predator guardianship over his teenage daughter in exchange for cash loans, essentially selling her into prostitution.

i feel like calling up augusten's agent and asking if they need a character witness for the lawsuit. i'm sure grandma would be happy to comply.

destiny has a pinga

this shot is from my friend amy's birthday last saturday. i think it ranks in my top 5 best nights out ever. "destiny" rocked the beyonce moves and hair, i think some of our straight friends were thrown off by the hips and fake boobs. i taught them them the meaning of "she's on the 'mones'". i think our friend scott may turn into a tranny chaser. photo courtesy of essie.

p.s. i failed to mention that i rolled my window down the whole drunken ride home and yelled out to pedestrians, "all i want for christmas is YOU".

monday morning gripes

first thing this morning i had to deal with was getting logged out of my work laptop for some server problem that i don't understand. next it was onto the airport where i was corralled with other angry/tired business travelers at 6am to fly to texas. i hate this dog and pony show more than most because i realize what a farce "airport security" is. i've been smuggling at least a half dozen chapsticks in my carry-on bag for the past 4 months---and they're NOT in a little plastic baggie. it's my own personal rebellion against the fatally flawed system.

in other news, chris and i had our semi-monthly "power lunch" together last friday which amounts to, in this order, martini/salad/martini/barney's/martini/nap. i got a pair of loafers at a sinful markdown (pictured). they're gorgeous but they are making me blister more than a handjob from a jalepeno farmer. i guess they will be worn when minimal walking is required.

on the yang side of life, i more or less finished 2 songs yesterday. i don't think i've completed any new dirges in months---feels good to get it down on paper.

essie set up his make-shift photo studio in his dad's basement and i got to observe him at work (creativity = HOT). he's doing some post-production on amy's birthday party which i will post soon. think wigs, furry hats, trannies, talking to strangers, and copious amounts of alcohol.

in the meantime, austin is 70 degrees, i've got my difranco playlist running in the background, and i'm not working very hard. life is good.

i'm really gay at poker

we played "texas hold em" last night at jon & steph's. i realized how absoluely horrible i am at playing cards. i'm one of those people who needs to re-learn a game if i haven't played it in the past 24 hours. i can't really shuffle, i can't really deal, i don't really have any strategy, i always lose all of my money. i need the card game lessons to relate to things like "dance-offs" or "yoga positions", otherwise i am completely lost. i did, however, make a kick ass mix cd that we listened to and i had on that amazing hat (see jpg).

realign your perception

essie and i had the most amazing weekend in houston with our friends ben and robert. we've been so burned out with work and hating on boston, it was a good kick in the pants for both of us to re-evaluate and rediscover our love of art and design. i've been feeling so stagnant and uninspired the past few months, basically identifying as a traveling corporate drone. just being around creative people for a few days has refeuled me to write some new songs, make some new t-shirts, and deal with the fact that i'm going to be at this job/stuck in boston for the next 3 years so i might as well make the best of it. even though i'm revelling in my current euphoric state, you can rest assured, i still hate dakota fanning.

*robert & ben's work can be found here.

*ryan geiger's work, another amazing houston artist, can be found here.

open for business, bitches

dakota
Originally uploaded by get that thing out of my face.

steph and i finally have our store up and running.

we're adding 3 new designs in the next couple of weeks, stay tuned.

STFU, MF!

i actually found a non-starbucks cafe to work in today with free wifi in dallas. everything is great except for the fat ass at the table next to me who insists on humming to every motherfucking song on satellite radio. i'm going to order a large scalded milk and throw it at him so that he not only gets 3rd degree burns, but smells like goat cheese and baby puke all day.

halloween & whatnot

um. yeah. essie and i dressed up as beer wenches for a halloween party on saturday night. after the party, we went to a sing-a-long of hedwig and the angry inch at the coolidge. this is what beer, magical cigarettes, and a wig will do to you.

"doble estanda", as they say in spanish

i love how conservatives are always quick to blast liberals and democrats as morally depraved perverts for supporting gays and other heathens. yet, conservative former rep. mark foley gets caught soliciting young boys on the internet. it seems like this administration has been plagued by a slew of sex scandals be it gay, underage, or just plain adulterous. i want to make a shirt with steph that says, "republican senators: hate gay marriage, love gay prostitutes".

i just came from the alamo and it SUCKED.

i was in san antonio yesterday for a couple of meetings and i had a little bit of downtime in the afternoon. what is one to do in san antonio when they have free time? visit the alamo, of course! it was disappointing to say the least. i was expecting someone dressed as davie crockett to tour me around the grounds, but to no avail. the best part of the experience what when i sent out a text message to about 10 of my friends declaring my journey to the home of texan independence. here are the responses:

Kipp: Remember the Alamo! Did you send that email to Jimmy?

Steph: OMG.

Travis: Nice! Now you'll see how inaccurate PeeWee's Big Adventure was!

Amy: HA! Remember to ask where the basement is. It's pathetic that I see the word 'alamo' and the first think I think of is Pee Wee's Big Adventure.

Tim: Oh sweet! My fave dinner spot is cappy chino's up broadway in alamo heights. It's a wine bar/rest. with good kobe burgers. The gay area is hood gay.

Katie: Yay pee wee's big adventure! Can y'all say adobe?

Jon: Take pictures!

Lauren: What's the alamo? Do they have shopping?