How We Roll @Motto

T-Shirt Selling Mania and YouTube Plug

The vid in the above post was filmed by a journalist this past Saturday at the Somerville Art Festival, which we rocked. They show us about 19 seconds in, after the pudgy Asian. We had a constant crowd of people laughing at our sarcasm and creativity. I think our table was a refreshing break from the booths of native American dream catchers and hand-painted shitty pottery. There was another t-shirt vendor who had Nietzsche quotes on all their shirts. One of our customers walked over to us and said, "You need a masters degree to get their shirts. You guys make something I can relate to. Do you have anything with stick figures?"

Other favorite quotations of the day include:

"Those guys are jerks."

Upon seeing Arrhythmia's Gonna Getcha: "Oh my god! I have an arrhythmia problem! I can't wait to wear this in front of my mom. She's gonna cry."

"I hope you're proud of yourselves."

Regarding Tequila Mockingbird: "I have to get this for my friend Christy. She has a mocking bird and she's an alcoholic."

"That's not art."

Alyssa, a 12 year-old junior high-school student, commented on Black Girls Have More Fun: "That's true. I know some and they're really fun."

the difference between me and them

i've been thinking a lot about this post over the past week or so. having left my family and their cult-esque version of christianity about 6 years ago, i frequently struggle with a similar guilt that V experiences in her entry.

my parents and brother don't talk to me because i'm no longer a member of the church. they don't acknowledge my "lifestyle" or my partner of 3 years. sometimes they'll answer the phone if i call and they forget to screen. i miss them inexplicably, regardless of my disdain for the church.

my parents are in their late 40s, are in an unhappy marriage, have no savings for retirement, have a house that's falling apart, and are floundering above the poverty line. they are perfectly capable of getting themselves out of their financial ruins but don't take the initiative to do so. i'll spare you the pity party but suffice it to say that i feel guilty for not being around to help them. i'm madly in love with my partner whom i just married. i make a lot of money. i own my home. i'm planning on buying investment properties in the coming months. i went to college. i have a new car. i have retirement savings. i've travelled all over the world and stayed in some of the most amazing places known to humanity.

i've sent them money. thousands. aside from just plain old guilt, i send them money because just before my freshman year of college my dad took out a 28k loan and i eventually dropped out. i feel like i created a financial burden for them by asking them to take out the loan in their names. my parents have since refinanced their home and paid off all but 5k of the loan (i get the details from my grandmother who is not a fundamentalist) but i still send checks because i feel like i abandoned my family just as much as they have abandoned me. what helps me sleep at night is the fact that i know i can at least help them get the roof fixed or the electric bill paid. i do, however, get frustrated because they won't talk to me but they can cash my checks; i guess it's a loop hole in the religion.

in any case, i think my parents suffer from chronic fear of life's imminent possibilities outside of their microcosm. they are afraid to be ambitious, to think for themselves, to define their own destinies. i had to leave before that fear permeated my life and sent me spiraling into a life of ignorance, poverty, pulpit manipulation, and mediocrity.

my message to V is this: you left a model for people to follow. maybe you feel like you abandoned those neighborhood children but you still showed them that there was a way out, whether or not you realize it. i don't think leaving was an act of selfishness, i think it was a matter of survival. what good would you have done if you stayed and looked after a half-dozen children at age 17? you would have ended up just like amanda. you are different than them because you escaped and found a way to transcend the fear that keeps them barred in their dysfunctional lives.

in the typical andalusian-blog-posting-ani-difranco-cliche fashion, here is one of her lines that came to my head when i read V's entry that basically sums up whatever it is that i'm trying to say:

god help you if you are a phoenix//and you dare to rise up from the ash//a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy//while you are just flying past

5 more reasons why i need to live in austin

brisket at iron works.

cool shit at gomikitti.








cocktails at the belmont.

the patio at momo's.






suzanna choffel. this white girl can sing.

*Straight* Weddings Are Stupid

violent acres posted an entry a couple days back highlighting why weddings are stupid. she points out the ginormous expense of the dress, the open bar, the fancy photographer, the tropical paradise theme, etc.

i agree with her 100%. wouldn't it be better if people were like, "hey honey, let's get married in the back yard and instead of an over-the-top reception, i'll pay off $30,000 of our debt"?! or "let's put a down payment on a house instead of throwing a party for 200 of our relatives that we never speak to."

this is EXACTLY why more people should get gay married. let me illustrate: my partner and i are getting married next weekend. we spent under a grand on our rings. we did go ape shit on our suits and barney's ties and dolce & gabanna shoes, but it still cost about 1/3 of a vera wang wedding dress (we're homos, what do you expect?). we're getting married in a park by my cousin who is a JP and having a reception of about 50 friends and family. yes, we pissed many of our friends off because we kept the reception small, but whatever, we didn't want to go into debt over this event. we're having the reception at our favorite restaurant in boston which has a gorgeous private dining room. dj, photographer, 4 course meal, flowers, and open bar will run us about $12,000. ...and it will be gorgeous. yes, you stupid straight women, you can have a simple AND beautiful AND inexpensive wedding if you can think outside of your martha stewart wedding magazine bubble and recognize that the event is not about showing off, it's about celebrating your commitment. you may say, "but i've been dreaming about my special day since i was a little girl". yeah, well, i've been dreaming about fucking luke skywalker since i was 5 but your childhood dreams don't always come true, do they bitch? you are not a worthy, all-deserving princess. your wedding is not just about you and i have to think that 99% of straight men would prefer what we're doing compared to the $60,000 self-indulgent pepto vomit fest that are the straight weddings.

remembering jerry falwell

america carries a heavy heart today as jerry falwell passes on to another realm. i pay tribute to him by citing a few quotes from his many years of christian ministry:

"I do question the sincerity of people like the Reverend Martin Luther King..."

"Labor unions should study and read the Bible instead of asking for more money. When people get right with God, they are better workers."

"I hope to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we don't have public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them."

Jerry on the anti-christ: "must be, of necessity, a Jewish male"

On the 9/11 attacks: "I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'"

And my personal favorite: "AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals."

May you rest in peace you fat, bigoted fuck.

confronting the colonel

had more work drama this week with this dude (see ani difranco montage). i'm finally standing up for myself though. it feels good, like punching a nazi.

IT'S FOR HER

my friend travis made this short. freaking hilarious.

have you ever fallen in love with a city?

deep in the heart of texas...

revenge extravaganza - dedicated to "the colonel"

i got royally fucked over by a "team member" at work. since i can't delve into cor-pirate details on my blog, i will describe the situation using ani difranco lyrics:

"and the next time that i saw you//you were larger than life//yeah you came and you conquered//you were doing all right//you had an army of suits behind you//and all you had to be was willing//and i said i still make a pretty good living//you must make a killing//and i hope that//that you are happy//i hope that at least you are having fun//oh cuz everyone is a fucking napoleon" -napoleon

"tell me who is your boogieman//that's who i will be//you don't have to like me for who i am//but we'll see what you're made of by what you make of me" -willing to fight

"smile pretty, and watch your back" -every state line

"i am warning you i am weightless//and the wind is always shifting//so don't hang anything on me//if you ever want to see it again//i am telling you i'm different than you think i am" -million you never made

and the real kicker which outlines my ever so subtle revenge extravaganza (coming to a city near you, summer of 2007):

"you are subtle as a window pane//standing in my view//but i will wait for it to rain//so that i can see you//you call me up at night//when there's no light passing through//and you think that i don't understand//but i do//we don't say everything that we could//so that we can say later//oh, you misunderstood//i hold my cards up//close to my chest//i say what i have to and i hold back the rest//'cause someone you don't know//is someone you don't know//get a firm grip, girl before you let go//for every hand extended//another lies in wait//keep your eye on that one//anticipate...

...if there's anything i've learned all these years on my own//it's how to find my own way there//and how to find my own way home" -anticipate

Think I'll Go To Boston//I Think That You're A Retard

has anybody heard this song? it was on at the gym today. i actually stopped when i was walking by the TV to catch a good look at the lead singer so that if i ever run into him on the street, i can kick the shit out of him. the lyrics are naive and stupid beyond belief. i googled the lyrics and found the band's website(augustana); they're out of san diego. just in case the track is unfamiliar, here are the lyrics to the chorus:

I think I'll go to Boston//I think that I'm just tired//I think I need a new town//to leave this all behind//I think I need a sunrise//I'm tired of the sunset//I hear it's nice in the Summer// some snow would be nice

ok asshole, GO AHEAD! move to fucking boston, you ill-informed little emo-bitch! pack up your bags and that rat's nest haircut of yours and come see the sunrise from the waterfront in the middle of february when there's a windchill factor of -25 degrees. yeah, the snow is real nice when it's flying at your face horizontally at 35 miles per hour like shrapnel flying out of a grenade launcher. i'd take baghdad over february in boston.

you hear it's nice in summer, do you? last summer was really nice in my 4th floor walk up with no central AC. maybe you haven't heard of HUMIDITY down there in san diego, but in late july, when you walk out of your apartment in BOSTON, you instantly get pit stains and it feels like you're breathing through a straw. you'll have to use 2 handfuls of leave-in conditioner to keep that greasy ass hairstyle of yours. oh, and all your black rock-star outfits? you'll probably pass out due to heat stroke headed from newbury street to cambridge surrounded by 2,050 asian MIT students crammed onto an un-air conditioned bus. yes, i pray you, move to boston.

maybe you'll meet a new "lover". so full of hope! i hope you like bitchy, dumpy, entitled women who think getting dressed up to go out means jeans, black shoes, a string of pearls, and their new ann taylor sweater set---because that's all you're gonna get! welcome to Generica! boston has about 5 hot, interesting single chicks and i'm friends with ALL OF THEM and i can say with great certainty, NONE of them would date your whiny ass.

so go ahead, MOVE already. your song sucks and you deserve to suffer.

men's event 2007

essie and i went to the fenway community health center benefit for the 3rd year running. it's a bunch of gays sashaying around in tuxes giving self-congratulatory speeches on all of the good work they do for AIDS. needless to say, i slammed 2 vodka martinis within my first 10 minutes there. by desert i was a *little* sloppy. i asked an asian man at my table if he'd prefer to use chopsticks to eat his carrot cake. then i put my hands in prayer position and bowed. i proceeded to call him mr. midori the rest of the night. i told him to call me. i don't think he's gonna call.

i totally got raped today

...in a corporate sense, that is. people were shooting the messenger left and right, criticizing my "note taking" capabilities and stabbing me in the back for not doing their job for them. all the more reason to own your own business. someday i will just fire all the motherfuckers that get up in my face.

smile pretty and watch your back -ani

T R Knight (of Greys Anatomy) responds to slur

i used to talk a lot of shit about ellen because her talk show glosses over her gay identity. i attributed her lack of "gayness" to her network contract, basically selling out in order to make her show more palatable to the ignorant masses. i take it back after watching this clip.

the sexiest rental car ever

i often joke about the unattractive, mid-size sedan-ness of the rental cars i get when i travel on business. this week i have some ford station wagon suv thingy with like 10 seats in the back. i have to say, it really impresses the clients when i roll up in that big hunk of detriot abortion. much to my amusement, as i was walking up to the car after a meeting, i noticed the first 3 letters of my license plate. couldn't have said it better myself.

please board according to your group number or i will fuck you up

i travel every week. i'm at the airport around 6am on monday morning, headed to some god forsaken mid-western state. i have check-in and airport security down to a science.

i'm willing to accept that i travel much more than the average person and i like to think that i am patient with those who may fumble at the check-in kiosk or who forget to take off their earrings at security. i never bother the attendant at the gate unless i have a real problem. i realize that they will make an announcement if there has been a delay, if there is room available for upgrades, etc.

there is one aspect of travel, however, that infuriates me every fucking week: the boarding line. everyone hovers over the gate as if it's a fucking race to get on the plane. i don't know about you, but i'm not in any rush to schlep onto a 25 year-old tin can so that i can fold myself up like a fucking oragami swan, crammed between 2 800 pound, disease infested management "consultants" who don't understand the meaning of "please turn off all cell phones and electronic devices".

american airlines boards by group number which is printed in large font on every boarding pass. the directions are simple: enter the boarding line when your group is called. they don't say, "breathe down the neck of" and "step on the heels of the person in front of you because the plane might leave without your fat, ignorant ass". you'd think the baby jesus himself were on the other side of that gate handing out hundred dollar bills by the way people dart towards the entrance.

i have platinum status with american so i always get to board with the first class people, and many times get a first-class upgrade. there were 4 (count 4!) people in line this week who were in groups 3 and 4 who jumped the line. i LOVE when the attendant sends them out of queue and gives them a nasty glare. "you have to wait" may be my favorite phrase in the english language. i'm usually parked in a seat until they call the "platinum members" which is when i elbow and push my way through the flock of sheep to hand over my boarding pass, turn back around to the crowd, toss my hair, and waive coyly at all the assholes waiting to dump themselves like a week old turd into their rickety coach seats.

why can't americans learn the virtue of patience?

i'm making it my personal mission to bitchslap the sense of entitlement out of people until we can all organize ourselves in a waiting line like grown-ups. the plane will not leave without you, although i wish it would. back the fuck up!

p.s. the bathroom in the front is for first-class ONLY so go do the pee pee dance in the back where i don't have to look at your ancient, sagging grandma ass.

NYE

nye6
Originally uploaded by get that thing out of my face.

uploaded everything from last weekend to Flickr.

happy birthday 2007!

last night i had bette davis eyes, today i have bette davis lungs.

in defense of augusten: perception is reality

this month's vanity fair ran with the article ruthless with scissors which detailed hours of interviews with author augusten burroughs "adopted" family, the turcottes. in the wake of james frey's highly publicized memoir debacle, the characters in burroughs' book running with scissors sued the author and his publishing company for defamation and emotional turmoil. their accusations include weeks of emotional stress, anxiety, severe nausea, hospitalization, among other forms of emotional distress. they say he lied, stretched the truth, exaggerated dates, etc. they feel as though their family was defamed, that the portrait painted was grotesque and untrue.

i suppose they can point all the fingers they want at augusten and his publishing company until they get the restitution (read: cash) that they so desperately seek. even some of my friends, who happen to be AVID burroughs fans, have called him a fraud and a liar.

sure, he may have stretched the truth a little, changed some dates, combined characters, added anecdotes (he puts a disclaimer in every novel), but the sheer public perception of this family lends truth to augusten's memoir. my grandmother was a restauranteur and socialite in 1970's northampton, massachusetts (where running with scissors took place). after reading augusten's novel, she confirmed many of the eccentric and obscene behaviors of the turcotte family throughout the 70's and early 80's. dr. turcotte would have loud talks with his family degrading women and describing explicit sex acts in front of small children, prompting my grandfather to ask him to leave the restaurant on multiple occasions, usually stiffing gramps on the bill.

grandma recalls the family essentially moving into the front yard of their delapitated house one summer after an unprofitable tag sale prevented them from moving the furniture back into the house.

she told me all about the bizarre father's day parades up and down main street with dr. turcotte leading the family wearing no shirt, red suspenders, and a santa hat. he advised my grandfather not to let gram wear the pants in their relationship, sincer her "role" as a woman should be to serve and comply with men.

i guess the most relevant fact contributing to my belief in augusten's memoir is that dr. turcotte lost his license to practice psychiatry in 1984 for GROSS MISCONDUCT. he gave a sexual predator guardianship over his teenage daughter in exchange for cash loans, essentially selling her into prostitution.

i feel like calling up augusten's agent and asking if they need a character witness for the lawsuit. i'm sure grandma would be happy to comply.

destiny has a pinga

this shot is from my friend amy's birthday last saturday. i think it ranks in my top 5 best nights out ever. "destiny" rocked the beyonce moves and hair, i think some of our straight friends were thrown off by the hips and fake boobs. i taught them them the meaning of "she's on the 'mones'". i think our friend scott may turn into a tranny chaser. photo courtesy of essie.

p.s. i failed to mention that i rolled my window down the whole drunken ride home and yelled out to pedestrians, "all i want for christmas is YOU".