Friday, July 31, 2009

The Many Uses of Vodka


According to the website Divine Caroline, there are many household uses for Vodka, other than drinking. I disagree. I don't believe one should waste a spirit with such propensity, only to degrade it to Martha Stewart-esque craftiness. Caroline's Top 10 non-drinking uses are:



1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves adhesive.


2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.


3. Clean jewelry. Soak the jewelry in vodka for five minutes, then rinse, and dry.


4. Clean lipstick from clothing. Rub the stain with vodka, then throw into your regular wash.


5. Remove the glue left behind by a bumper sticker. Rub the glue with a soft, clean cloth soaked with vodka.


6. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.

7. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then blot dry.


8. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.


9. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.


10. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.




Suck it, Caroline. Here are MY top 10 uses for Vodka:


1. To drown internal voices, pour 3 ounces into a chilled glass and slam.


2. To eliminate public speaking anxiety, empty 2 ounces of Vodka into gullet.


3. To stop a bar fight, chug bottle of vodka, break the bottle on wooden chair and proceed to stab opponents with broken bottle.


4. To lubricate family reunions, give Aunt Theresa a glass of lemonade with 2 oz. of vodka and allow 15 minutes to allow for the story about how Grandpa Henry used to force her to "sit on his lap" at 2 in the morning.

5. To make your blind date more attractive, pour 3 oz. of vodka over the rocks and sip briskly. Repeat x 4.

6. To relieve guilt or shame, pour 1 oz of vodka into morning coffee, repeat process at work.


7. To prevent "breakup blues", soak 1 rag with vodka, place in ex's basement and light on fire.


8. To destroy pesky livers, swallow 12 oz. of Vodka, daily.


9. To bed a mormon, freeze 3 oz. of vodka with red Kool-Aid and serve as cold, fun, summertime treats at congregation picnic.


10. To relax the anus for penetration, imbibe 1 handle of vodka and chew down on wooden spoon.

2 comments:

Jason Hosford said...

I can attest to the fact that number 9 works. I have countless examples of proof.

Unknown said...

Also, the one about removing vomit stains with vodka is silly. To remove my vomit stains I just needed to remove vodka from my evening or hang out in a bath tub for hours, which typically does not stain!