Jehovah is going to kill all the fat people.

“For many walk, of whom I have told you often, and now tell you even weeping, that they are the enemies of the Christ: Whose end is destruction, whose God is their belly... ” Philippians 3:18-19

I don't hate fat people because I'm gay and catty. I hate fat people because Jehovah hates fat people.

I spent the greater part of my childhood and adolescence as a practicing Jehovah's Witness. If you don't know much about their take on the Bible, I can sum it up: The world is about to end so don't waste time doing anything but praising Jehovah and spreading his word to everyone you come in contact with so that you don't die a fiery, brim stony death. Through mathematical vague wizardry, Jehovah's Witnesses (or "JoJo's" as I lovingly refer to them) have used a combination of scriptures to determine that Satan was hurled down to earth in the year 1914 and that since then, we have been under the Devil's influence which effects everything from the media to trans fats. Since destruction of the world as we know it is imminent, we have to pay careful attention to how we act and live our lives according to Bible principles so that we JoJo's can make it through Armageddon unscathed.

As a young child listening carefully to the "Elders" preach from the podium on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays, I learned what qualities Jehovah was looking for in his ideal servants:

Mildness? Check. (I used to be shy)

Cleanliness? Check.

Self-Control? Check.

Faith? Check.

Peace? Check.

Abstinence from blood transfusions? Check.

As a mature 7 year-old, I would look around the congregation during our 2 hour meetings and wonder how many others were as Holy as I.

Did Kevin Gonzalez spend too much time talking about sports and not enough time talking about spiritual things? He might have a chance to get through the fire of Gehenna if he shapes up soon. I mean, we probably have 1 or 2 more years left until Jesus comes down on a white horse and chops off the heads of the unchosen with an 8 foot golden sword.

Valerie Kolowski had waaaay too many posters of New Kids On The Block in her room, that surely would fall into the idolatry category. Remember the golden calf? You better take down your Jordan Knight wallpaper before the God of Abraham bitch-slaps you with molten lava.

And then. Cindy Caster. Oh yes. Cindy Caster. She didn't have a donut's chance in over eater's anonymous of getting to the promised condo in the high-rise of Jehovah's favor.

She was fat. Real fat.

How preposterous that she even show up at our congregation meetings! Did she not READ that gluttony is one of Jehovah's top 7 least favorite things!?! There was scripture upon scripture about the end of the world and people stuffing their faces, drinking wine, slathering themselves with bacon, and on and on. And you know what happens to them? Jehovah kills them. Kills them. Cindy better go on a diet or face the wrath of our lord.

What was worse, she had privileges in the congregation! Were these people blind? She was parading around in all her tubby glory, blaspheming our creator with every snickers that touched her slobbery lips.

She was a "pioneer" which meant that she put in 90 hours a week knocking on people's doors. Pioneers get a special kind of status in the congregation. They are what everyone else aspires to. How could this be? Here I was at 7, a trim 75lbs, well-groomed, obsessively ironed, constantly in spiritual dialogue, polite...genteel even! And big fat Cindy Caster gets a promotion. This was my first crisis of conscience with the organization of Jehovah's Witnesses. There was just such blatant hypocrisy and disrespect for the word of our God. If you're going to let wide-ass Cindy be a Pioneer, why don't we just let Hitler join the ranks and call it a day.

Sadly, I'm no longer a Jehovah's Witness. But I do still believe that Jehovah will kill all the fat people in Armageddon. All in due time, Cindy, all in due time.

Don't you just love fundamentalism?

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P.S. My dad was fat and also NOT a Jehovah's Witness. Double whammy.